Guest Reader's Cat Of The Week: Alan (who lives next-door)

Name?

Alan

Nicknames?

Mister Man

Little Sod

Alan Balls

Theme Tune?

I am the Walrus

Age?

2 years, maybe less.

Owners?

I don’t have owners, I have staff.

Brief biography?

I was a tiny kitten, who turned up one day, refused to go away, and then grew to the size of a modest bungalow. I was repeatedly mistaken for my younger brother Graham, but he has since gone travelling.

Catchphrase?

I’m twice the cat you’ll ever be.

Favourite Habits?

Scratching, eating, going mental at exactly 4:30 every bloody night, pissing everywhere.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?

Eating, snoozing, eating, snoozing, eating, and then, if there’s time, some snoozing.

Favourite food?

I eat it too quickly to notice.

Defining moment of your life?

Being scandalously mistaken for my younger brother, for which there was only one, curtain based, remedy.

Any enemies?

I am currently in an uneasy coalition with Miss G Biscuit, the better to combat the evil cat empire next door.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?

Food pit stops established every 50 yards along common routes.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?

The following, so that I might listen and learn from their wise, prophetic words:

Cat Stevens – “When my little kitty gets out, there's gonna be a party”

Moggie Sugden – “I ought to ring my neighbour and ask her to look in on my pussy”

Miaow Tse-tung - “To read too many books is harmful”

I know this is a weird question, as you have met the culprits in person, but, had you not done, and only read about them in the books, which one of the cats in Under The Paw, Talk To The Tail and The Good, The Bad And The Furry would you like to be stuck in a lift with?

I have attention deficit disorder, and therefore have unfortunately not been able to get to the end of that very long question. Ooh look, what’s that over there? Sorry, what did you say?

The Good, The Bad And The Furry - featuring more about Alan - is published 

today.