Sunday 23 June 2013

The Bear is sad because his demo was heartlessly rejected by every record company he sent it to.

Find out what else has been making The Bear sad recently....

Guest Reader's Cat Of The Week: Ollie


Ollie-boy, Boysie, Boysie Chops, Ching Chang Chollie, Ozley Bozley, Oliver (when in trouble)

Theme Tune?
Sexy Boy by AIR


Zoe and Nathan 

Brief biography?
I lived with another family for a couple of years, running around being very manly and hunting a lot. But then it all changed earlier this year and I ended up in a lovely lady's rescue centre in South London. My humans came to visit and picked me straight away because, well, who could resist this handsome face?

Oh, were you using that?

Favourite Habits?
I like to pretend to dig very early in the morning, as if I'm preparing for a little wee. I know this wakes my humans out of fear that I'm actually going to do it. Then they're awake and feed me. Oh, and I’ll sit on any open laptop. Why would you work when you have me to look at?

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
A quick runaround outside and then I’ll pose on the arm of the sofa. I'm pretty good looking, so everyone in the room gives me attention. If I'm looking exceptionally handsome, my humans sometimes reward me with a laser pen.

Favourite food?
I like all food apart from hummus and tomatoes. I once ate a bowl of cake icing when the girl human wasn't looking. That didn't go down too well, but did come up quite fantastically. But my humans clean up after me and I don't think they mind a bit of projectile vomit.

Defining moment of your life?
My first poo in the bath. God it was good. It made me feel so enlightened, so free. That's when I really found myself for the first time. I'm not sure my humans appreciate it as they've started keeping the door shut but I'm always on the look out and strike when they forget.

Any enemies?
Doris from upstairs. You can see why. 

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?
Dreamies vending machines.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Ryan Gosling. We could have a handsomeness competition. I'd win and then they'd make a colouring book of pictures of me instead.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail  would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
I'd like to hang out with Ralph. He looks good, and so do I, so we could create a new cat-boy-band and make the lady cats swoon.

Wednesday 12 June 2013

Kitten Advice

When feeding your kitten soup, always choose a soup the same colour as your kitten.

Tuesday 11 June 2013

The Bear, Knitted By A Reader

Thanks to Chris Cox for this. An excellent job, I think (even if his white fur heart is missing).

Sunday 9 June 2013

Reader's Cats Of The Week: Casper and Lola

Lola and Casper.

Lolo, Lolapops, Lollington McLoll, Miniature, Minmin, the Assassin and, bizarrely, in an Alabama style accent, Lolabear.
Casp, Casperoo, Caspini, Casperooney, Casperlicious, CaspiCaspiCaspi, Spee, Mr C and my new one, Pompidou.

Theme Tune? 
Lola: My humans think it's hilarious to sing Dude Looks Like a Lady to me (the reason for this will become clear later), but when I run through the garden I hear Scott Walker's Jackie.

Casper: Tchaikovsky - The Sugar Plum Fairy from The Nutcracker Suite

Lola: 2
Casper: 4

Lisa (feeder and vet transporter), Lee (groomer and cat-tipper) and Elliot (teenager, best brother EVER).

Brief biography? 
Lola: My original humans breed the majestic Bengal cat, but were also nice enough to take in stray cats. My dad was a beast of a Bengal called Tigger who could clear a door in one jump, and my mum was a rescue tabby who was supposed to have had her lady bits snipped but as it turned out hadn't. So I was born, was put on Gumtree and ended up with my new humans. I have my dad's spots, but I'm teeny like my mum.

Casper: Lisa had me off a family at the school where she works. When they handed me over I got loose and the Deputy Head chased me round the office. Lisa didn't realise at the time I'm long haired. Epic fail.

Lola: I'm just off out to commit avian infanticide, laters!

Casper: The cat flap is too small.

Favourite Habits? 
Lola: Catching anything that moves, bringing it home, and releasing it into the most awkward place so that my humans have to spend hours trying to catch it - they love it! My favourites are voles, mice, birds, moorhen chicks, ducklings and the ever elusive squirrel (...soon.....).

Casper: Depositing fur everywhere (the local birds put it in their nests!), allowing my fur to become at one with garden debris, furious padding, rug wrecking. 

What constitutes a perfect evening for you? 
Lola: Cheese Dreamies, milk, stalking down by the canal, having ears washed by Casper, loving Casper, sleeping on the bed with all four legs wrapped around Lisa's arm.

Casper: Ham, making a pretence of stalking, washing Lola's ears, ignoring Lola, sleeping downstairs on the sofa because at 6 kilos my furious padding is prone to damage the internal organs of my humans.

Favourite food? 
Lola: Cheese Dreamies and milk. I will literally sing for chicken.
Casper: Mature cheddar, ham, Lola's ears.

Defining moment of your life? 
Lola: When I went in to have my girl bits sorted, only to have my vet Kylie break it to Lisa that those two blobs underneath my bottom weren't for storage. I'm a hermaphrodite.  After laughing hysterically Lisa instructed Kylie to make sure I couldn't get pregnant, get anyone pregnant or get myself pregnant. It's brilliant, plus I have a heart shaped bum hole which I Iike to place exactly 2 millimetres away from my Lisa's face at precisely the moment she wakes up.
Casper: realising I had grown from the scrawny Bonk Eyed Bill of the feline world, into a massive, fluffy, handsome beast.

Any enemies? 
Lola: The two squirrels that live at the bottom of my garden - they dive bomb me from the trees. One day I will eat them. Also beef flavoured cat food - I'd rather eat Caper's fur balls.

Casper: Snow. It makes me look the colour of wee and ices up my belly. My teeny weeny meow, ridiculously at odds with my magnificent stature.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be? 
Lola: a Yo Sushi for cats - Yo Rodent (I don't like fish).
Casper: Bigger cat flaps.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why? 
Lola: Eva Longoria, I want to prance around with her and for her to feed me Sheba.
Casper: Blofeld.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with? 
 Lola: Ralph, hubba hubba.
 Casper: The Bear - I want to wash his lovely ragged ears.

A Year Of Roscoe

This was taken on the first day she arrived here last year. I think it's clear to see the love in her eyes for me and very obvious that she doesn't want to murder me with tiny knives at all.