Monday 28 November 2011

Guest Cat Of The Month For November: Biscuit, REAL LIFE Neighbour Of The Under The Paw Cats

Miss Ginger Biscuit

Madam Sausage, Porkalina, Miss Pook, Alter Ego, the occasional appearance of Garibaldi Biscuit, a suspiciously good natured cat who appears and then disappears in the blink of an eye.

Theme Tune
Fat bottomed Girls

At least 12

Deborah and David.

"Tummy action! Ooh Juicy!"

Favourite Habits
Nipping ankles, eating, protest pooing, eating, emergency biscuit hoarding, eating, failing to climb trees, eating, lying down, ruining clothing, eating, ruining furniture, banging the door until the servants get up to feed me at 5 in the morning.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
An episode of Autumn Watch, following by a bit of piping (lying on the floor under which the central heating pipes run) to the tune of “Piping it, we’re piping it”. Licking the parmesan cheese left on plates when the servants aren’t looking, lifted into the sink for a drink from the dripping tap, and then hoisted onto the bed for snoozing.

Favourite food
Parmesan cheese, tuna (but it has to be in spring water), biscuit (obviously) and a tiny bit of cream to finish.

Defining moment of your life
Recovering from cat flu having been fed beef tea by a pipette in a steam filled room by my Mum – after which I became a dysfunctional prima donna.

Any enemies?
All other the world

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?
Being able to communicate better with the idiots that look after us.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
I am the centre of the universe, and you are all here to serve me. I do not understand the concept of celebrity.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
Billy Bear aka The Bear. So I can sit on him.

Brief biography
Discovered in a Norwich garden, this very poorly kitten beat the cat flu odds and moved in with the sickeningly perfect Sefton T. Cat (sadly no longer with us) and has continued to grow for the next 12 years into the thing of rotund splendour we know and love today. Continues to terrorise Billy Bear, even though he only wants love.

Watch Biscuit in action here, here, here and here.

Friday 25 November 2011

Synchronized Yawning

Yeah, I can get my cats to yawn in time with one another. That's totally normal, right?

Thursday 24 November 2011

Audition Cat

A kitten in lineup of black cats waits for its audition for the movie Tales of Terror in Hollywood, 1961.

Monday 21 November 2011

How Long My Cats' Tails Are

It appears that while I was away in Devon over the weekend, my nextdoor neighbours, Deborah and David, who were very kindly feeding my cats for me, decided to measure their tails, and see how they shape up next to the tail of their cat, Biscuit. They then proceeded to write the results on my kitchen blackboard*.

* For regular Under The Paw readers: Billy is the Bear's "other" name.

Read Under The Paw.
Read the sequel, Talk To The Tail.

Friday 18 November 2011

Catvertising: The Future Of The Internet?

Could really do with getting these guys on the case for the publication of this.

Thursday 10 November 2011

Time Machine

I always have trouble deciding which point in history I'd go back to if I had a time machine. It's so difficult, as there are so many options. Like right now, for example, it's such a hard choice between California in 1970, the Court of Charles II in 1660, or the moment about five minutes ago, just before my cat The Bear spattered my clean bedcovers with a big shitload of puke.

Monday 7 November 2011

The Difference Between An Encounter Between Two Dogs And An Encounter Between Two Cats

The difference between an encounter between two dogs and an encounter between two cats can be compared to the difference between watching a pair of boozed-up football hooligans greeting each other on the street and watching two college professors - one of whom has recently slept with the other's wife and given his book a scathing review in an academic journal - size each other up over the creme de menthe at a dinner party.

Read Under The Paw.
Read the sequel, Talk To The Tail.