Lola and Casper.
Lolo, Lolapops, Lollington McLoll, Miniature, Minmin, the Assassin and, bizarrely, in an Alabama style accent, Lolabear.
Casp, Casperoo, Caspini, Casperooney, Casperlicious, CaspiCaspiCaspi, Spee, Mr C and my new one, Pompidou.
Lola: My humans think it's hilarious to sing Dude Looks Like a Lady to me (the reason for this will become clear later), but when I run through the garden I hear Scott Walker's Jackie.
Casper: Tchaikovsky - The Sugar Plum Fairy from The Nutcracker Suite
Lisa (feeder and vet transporter), Lee (groomer and cat-tipper) and Elliot (teenager, best brother EVER).
Lola: My original humans breed the majestic Bengal cat, but were also nice enough to take in stray cats. My dad was a beast of a Bengal called Tigger who could clear a door in one jump, and my mum was a rescue tabby who was supposed to have had her lady bits snipped but as it turned out hadn't. So I was born, was put on Gumtree and ended up with my new humans. I have my dad's spots, but I'm teeny like my mum.
Casper: Lisa had me off a family at the school where she works. When they handed me over I got loose and the Deputy Head chased me round the office. Lisa didn't realise at the time I'm long haired. Epic fail.
Lola: I'm just off out to commit avian infanticide, laters!
Casper: The cat flap is too small.
Lola: Catching anything that moves, bringing it home, and releasing it into the most awkward place so that my humans have to spend hours trying to catch it - they love it! My favourites are voles, mice, birds, moorhen chicks, ducklings and the ever elusive squirrel (...soon.....).
Casper: Depositing fur everywhere (the local birds put it in their nests!), allowing my fur to become at one with garden debris, furious padding, rug wrecking.
What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Lola: Cheese Dreamies, milk, stalking down by the canal, having ears washed by Casper, loving Casper, sleeping on the bed with all four legs wrapped around Lisa's arm.
Casper: Ham, making a pretence of stalking, washing Lola's ears, ignoring Lola, sleeping downstairs on the sofa because at 6 kilos my furious padding is prone to damage the internal organs of my humans.
Lola: Cheese Dreamies and milk. I will literally sing for chicken.
Casper: Mature cheddar, ham, Lola's ears.
Defining moment of your life?
Lola: When I went in to have my girl bits sorted, only to have my vet Kylie break it to Lisa that those two blobs underneath my bottom weren't for storage. I'm a hermaphrodite. After laughing hysterically Lisa instructed Kylie to make sure I couldn't get pregnant, get anyone pregnant or get myself pregnant. It's brilliant, plus I have a heart shaped bum hole which I Iike to place exactly 2 millimetres away from my Lisa's face at precisely the moment she wakes up.
Casper: realising I had grown from the scrawny Bonk Eyed Bill of the feline world, into a massive, fluffy, handsome beast.
Lola: The two squirrels that live at the bottom of my garden - they dive bomb me from the trees. One day I will eat them. Also beef flavoured cat food - I'd rather eat Caper's fur balls.
Casper: Snow. It makes me look the colour of wee and ices up my belly. My teeny weeny meow, ridiculously at odds with my magnificent stature.
If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?
Lola: a Yo Sushi for cats - Yo Rodent (I don't like fish).
Casper: Bigger cat flaps.
If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Lola: Eva Longoria, I want to prance around with her and for her to feed me Sheba.
Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
Lola: Ralph, hubba hubba.
Casper: The Bear - I want to wash his lovely ragged ears.