Tuesday 23 February 2010

Extra Celebrity Guest Cat Of The Month: Fatty

My PROPER name is Salem, but they all call me Fatty. Yes, the vet advised me to lose a little weight when I was younger, but that was only kitten-fat and it’s all just my voluminous belly fur now. Fur, I tell you.

Creature. Pudden. Pud. Puskin. Boody. Munchkin. Pusk. Fusker. Fatster. Fatso. Etc. (that’s not a nickname)

9-ish but I don’t look a day over 4. Especially when I go to sleep with the tip of my cute pink tongue sticking out.


Brrrrreum? (this translates as ‘I want food/letting out/letting in/picking up/I don’t know what I want but I feel vaguely dissatisfied with life and want you to come downstairs and ask me what’s wrong’ – repeat until achieve desired result).

Favourite habits?
Lying on open newspapers, accurately targeting the article that is currently being read. Beating up my sister who looks at me funny. Interrupting HER meditation and getting HER to stroke me before the timer goes. Lying flat on my back with my belly up and four paws in the air. Don’t touch my stomach!

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Catching and eating a small creature whole (but leaving that organ that tastes horrible) before curling up on HER lap, listening to Nick Drake and falling asleep to dream of eating small creatures and eating them whole (but leaving that organ that tastes horrible).

Favourite food?
Anything that makes a vegetarian’s stomach turn, especially tuna. (My sister goes mad for fudge).

Defining moment of your life?
Having a poem written about me.

Any enemies?
That mean white farm cat who keeps making me bleed. I think he was cross-bred with a puma or something.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Abolishing cat biscuits for breakfast, even if SHE does think meat smells disgusting in the mornings. Or maybe abolishing nylon – I can’t bear the feeling of synthetic fibres underneath my paws.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Jabba The Hut. I’m told I’m the spitting image of him when I sit back and wash my lower belly.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
The Bear. I think we could be mates.

Brief biography?
A successful early career as cutest kitten. Further cuteness success when I pat HER on the hand whilst she’s typing to encourage stroking, or put a paw around HER arm for a proper cathug. Less success in cat fights – even when I did leap ninja-like into the air above a ditch with my former nemesis – but I still think I’m the hardest. Currently curled into a ball with my catnip mouse.

For more info about the writing of Fatty's human, visit www.fionarobyn.com.


The Girl said...

Hey Fatty. Fred and Lily totally have the same catchphrase as you. Do you repeat your catchphrase louder and louder and louder and LOUDER until someone responds?

Unknown said...

Hey The Girl, Fatty here. I find that getting louder isn't necessary - just repeating the same noise at random intervals - I have staying power and I always get results with this method... say hi to Fred and Lily!

jmuhj said...

Hey, you gorgeous feline! We love you and your human, too (our human is a fellow Nick Drake fan, and so are we! Along with the "Numa Numa" dude, he's one of our absolute faves!) ;)

Anonymous said...

your cat is adorable!

tim relf said...

A poem? Do share...

Unknown said...

Thanks Jessica, Jmuhj. Hi Tim - here you go (Salem is my proper name)


Crow-black and glinting,
he comes in from out there

tail straight up, a sweep for chimneys.
I give off circles of warmth.

He crawls to my neck
where blood beats close to the air.

I sniff in the fresh, cold smoke
clinging to his fur like burrs.

He tucks his head underneath my chin,
kneads my shoulder, is almost

inside me.
When he’s drunk his fill he drops off

to lie stretched out, belly-up,
showing off teased out thistle-fluff fur,

curling, rusted to reddy-brown.
It hides nipples like baby button mushrooms.

I wipe gunge from sleepy eye-corners
drawing it out towards me

in a thin string that doesn’t break.

Cynthia Leathers said...

Fatty is Janet's doppelganger....I do believe you've found the feline actor who will play Janet in the blockbuster film version of Under The Cat! Now who will direct....Martin Scorsese, or Michael Bay?

Unknown said...

I'm available for a reasonable fee... tuna plus catnip. Speak to my agent.

kitty butt said...

What a pretty kitty Fatty is!

Unknown said...

Just found this, thought you might find it quite interesting ^_^

Vice Magazine Kitty Coffee Shop