Wednesday, 20 November 2013

Guest Reader's Cat Of The Week: Zorro


Zozo. Bubblebutt (which I can tolerate when said affectionately in private, but hate, when said in front of company).

Theme tune?
When I catch my reflection I can't help hearing Steven Tyler's voice singing "Every time when I look in the mirror, all those lines on my face getting clearer".


There is Nira, who is incredibly tuned into my every mood, need and desire. She knows when i want to play or be cuddled. She is aware of the interplay between my constant craving for food and my vanity/body image issues. She knows that I struggle with internet use, often going online to educate myself, only to end up overspending on my favourite shopping sites.  She can tell that I struggle with my uncertainty over how best to fulfill my role as the family cat. She notices my tough facade and my inner fears. There is Len, who is completely unaware of my states. He picks me up when the urge strikes him, he grabs my paws despite my biting him, and he sometimes wraps my head in a kitchen towel and says I've got a starring role in Yentl. I put up with him. There is the kid, Stav. He used to play with me, but is now a teen and completely self-absorbed. The advantage is that I can trick him into feeding me after I have already eaten once because he isn't paying attention. I like his lap during long video game sessions, although sometimes the games are too upsettingly realistic.

Brief biography?
Nira stumbled upon me one day at the back of a pet food store, in a big cage with about 10 other homeless kittens. She was shopping for toys to try and stimulate the other recent rescue cat that showed up in the backyard and didn't leave. He is my buddy Jack. The toys didn't help him. He's a simple minded fellow. He is only interested in going outside, which he does daily, on a leash. He returns with all sorts of unusual smells. I have never been outside except for short visits to the vet and one longer visit for my emergency sex change, 3 years ago. Since then, I have been practicing Mindfulness to accept my gender ambiguity. 

"I think it's time to eat."

Favourite habits?
Eating. Licking Nira to wake her up so she can feed me. Walking over her, back and forth. Pretending I haven't been fed. Beginning to beg for food by banging my bowl 2 hours before meal time. I like my weekly mani-pedi, as it pays me a kibble per claw. Lying across keyboard, book or newspaper. Drinking out of peoples' water glasses when they aren't looking. Killing catnip toys. Hiding from imagined dangers. Talking to the birds in the backyard birdbath.

Perfect evening?
Food, followed by a stint on a lap while watching the "Dog Whisperer" or any nature show about birds. After TV I like to go have snacks. Nira taught me to "sit", "stay" and catch food in mid air. I submit because it clearly gives her a great deal of pleasure, and I will do anything for food.  

Favourite food?
I love my mix of expensive "Indoor Light" and "Urinary Health" food. I also love to lick plates in the sink when I can get away with it. I've even been caught making off with cooked broccoli.

Defining moment?
Recently someone who saw my photo suggested I may be a Norwegian Forest cat. I googled it and couldn't believe there was a cat who looked just like me! What a boost to my self image after such humble beginnings with those pedestrian hyperactive kittens at the back of that dingy shop. I have gotten quite a big head over it.

I hate Marcel the vet. He said I was fat. I just thought I was big boned. I like to terrorize the neighbour dog, Kirby, when he visits. I whack him in the head. He is so afraid that he won't come in unless his owner carries him inside.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
A bowl of food in every room.

Which celebrity would you most like to meet?
Cesar Millan, because I love his show and want to boss around all the dogs.
Tom Cox, because he seems like a softie and I think I could wrap him around my paw.

Which of the cats in Under The PawTalk To The Tail and The Good, The Bad And The Furry would you most like to be stuck in a lift with?
I think I have the most in common with Ralph as he shares my narcissistic traits, although I think I am more intellectual. Hopefully, we wouldn't be stuck in the lift long enough for him to bore me. The Bear would trigger my angst and we would just bring each other down.


Yuki said...

If he wants a girrlfriend =DD

Julia Ball said...

Brilliant ! just Brilliant :-)

Shari said...

It is clear that Zorro is an extraordinarily insightful and humorous writer. He should publish his own Cat Mag and continue writing his tidbits for masses to enjoy. Go for it, Zorro. I'm a fan!

Anonymous said...

My cats name is louis. He likes to play in the garden alot.

Andie P. said...

Just stopping in from! What a precious little creature! So much personality!

I just wanted to let you know that we have some awesome cat inspired home decor if you are interested here: Please check it out! Thank you for having such a fun columm- it has been a blast to read.

Unknown said...

What great writing. Keep it up Zorro.

Anonymous said...

A bit of a looker, isn't he? Almost as handsome as Ralph.