Otters Holding Hands

Guest Christmas Cat: Mr Pig

Name?
Mr. Pig.

Nicknames?
Fuzz bucket, furburger, poptart, stoat pastie, weasel, ploppit, sexpig, National Velvet, Piggy Wiggy woo woo, the Wig,fucksausage, devil beetle ( robot in disguise) two weasels and a rat, Poppet up the chimney, The woodwose, dumpling
pusscat pusscat big fat hairy wuss cat, eel pie, ploppit pudding, bog butter, cat påté.

Age?
8.

Owners?
Firstly a French breeder, then a deranged pianist, then Annabel for a while Will, now it's Alex and Annabel.

Catchphrase?
Whiskers cat milk

Favourite Habits?
When Annabel and Alex go out I like to go to the basement and roll in cobwebs. Sometimes when they come back they laugh at me and Annabel says it's like her sister's lodger- who her sister found naked strapped to a crucifix when she came back from Tescos once.I used to like wrestling with Annabels bras but my tastes have changed a bit lately. I used to like bouncing on Annabels boobs to wake her up- now I like patting Alex's eyelids.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Lying on Alex's groin. I am in love with Alex.

Favourite Food?
Cobwebs, moths, spiders and boring old 'sensible' Royal Canin I suppose.

Defining moment of your life?
There have been many:
Lining dead mice up with catnip mice under Annabel's bedside cupboard impressed her and got me the nickname Pol Pot for a while.
The first night Alex stayed at Annabels studio I brought him a mouse and placed it on his chest while he slept. Annabel rescued him. Annabel's ex boyfriend Jamie made a cardboard badger for an artist called Sarah Lucas once. I ruined it by moonwalking into it backwards and staying there for two days. I had to be cut out. Annabel has a friend called Mimei who doesn't like cats and is allergic to them. Mimei stayed in the ' Anne Frank' space in the kitchen once and I climbed the 15foot ladder a total of 22 times to visit her that night. Annabel had to take the ladder away stranding Mimei up there and I still tried to throw myself at the wall to get up there.
Annabel used to take me for walks in the countryside on a lead. One time she took me to Staverton Thicks which is famous for being where Queen Elizabeth the first went for a wee wee. I saw a deer and Annabel had to climb an oak tree to get me. I clung to her boobs for 24 hours after that. The rip cord on my fluffy jacket had been pulled and my coat wouldn't go flat for ages.
Annabel shrieked with terror when she woke in the night to find me sleeping next to her like a human with my head on the pillow and my body under the duvet. She said I looked like the Tollund Man.

If Annabel ever had anyone important to the studio to look at her work- I used to enjoy taking a dump in my litter tray as they tried to ignore me.
Similarly that thing when I vibrate my arse- Annabel calls bum glitter I do that on strangers too.
Hugging Boudicca to the ground.
Sicking up a hawkmoth
Doing a plop in Annabels cowboy boots- both of them
Torturing bees


Any Enemies?
Children, the angry bluetits that live in the Rowan tree in the garden, Boudicca, Slinky, Vincent, Ed, Mark and the Hoover. Ed tried to stick a pencil up my bottom, Mark demonstrated to Amnabel where he would cut me to skin me and turn me into a muffler and Vincent punched me off his seat once.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
They would be allowed to live in their mothers wombs FOREVER

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
Mm this is tricky. I've only had sex with my brothers Lord Raj and Rolls Royce Gentleman so it seems a bit wierd having a romantic interest in a stranger. I think the Bear has a nice name- and a bear and a pig might make a good combination- both eaten in medieval era.

Brief biography
I am French and lived in the south of France for three years. Then I came to Suffolk with my fifteen brothers and sisters where I lived with Sarenka who loved me and her naughty husband Nick who threatened to divorce her unless she gave us all away. I was called Sonatina de Sarengay then because I am a Bengal. Sarenka called me Tina and Nick called me Totty, but I don't want to go into that.
Annabel used to come and look after me and my brothers and sisters while she was studying. She'd drink Sarenka's booze and play her Steinway grand badly with grade two pieces she thought she could remember. She came to get me soon after Sarenka gave me plastic surgery to cover the bald patch on my neck that made me look like a vampire victim. I went to live with Annabel on a boat after that, then with Will for a bit while Annabel went to switzerland. I live in the house of a sculptor now. I love it there.

Possibly The Coolest 'Man With Cat' Photo Of All Time

The 30 Best Internet Cats Of 2010

This is a great list of the top 30 Internet Cats of 2010 on Buzzfeed. For what it's worth, I think these are my two favourites....

Cat vs Printer: The Translation

Talk To The Tail Launch/Celia Hammond Animal Trust Fundraiser: Jan 7th!

The First Ever Movie Filmed By Cats

This Might Not Work But I Thought It Would Be Interesting

Read Talk To The Tail.

Guest Cat Of The Month For December: Parsley

Name?
Parsley.

Nickname?
Parse, Parsnip, Doughnut, Tiger-bum, Longtail, Snake-face, Golden Nugget.

Age?
I'll be four next spring.

Owner?
Tim (60%); Isabel (40%).

Catchphrase?
I can't be bothered.

Favourite hobbies?
I'm not a fan of exercise, but I am quite partial to chasing rolled-up bits of paper. I'd make a decent goalie because I'm good at catching stuff, too. I'm expecting to get a call-up for England, but I wouldn’t play because I’m not keen on going out of the garden. I sometimes go down the alley, so if England had a match down there I suppose I could. Tim used to play as a goalie and his nickname was ‘the cat’ so I’d like to have the same nickname, although I actually am a cat so it wouldn’t really be a nickname. Maybe my nickname could be 'the human'. I get easily confused, as you have probably guessed.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
I like sitting on the sofa and getting looked at – and talked about – but not stroked too much. The occasional bit of rubbing with that glove with the bobbles on it is good. There'd be no visitors. That's important, because I get a bit spooked by new people. Usually, at the very end of the evening, when the humans are about to go to bed and want to shut me in the kitchen, I'll dash under the bed in the spare room where they can't reach me. I'll sit there for ages, right in the middle where they can't reach me. You wouldn't believe some of the language they use when I do that.

Favourite food?
Anything. Everything. Tim tries to divide the food equally between me and my sister, Nutmeg, but I wolf mine down so I can steal hers. For the record, though, I'm not greedy. I just have a healthy appetite. I like getting fed by hand best of anything in the world and scrunch my face up so when I’m crunching biscuits I look like an old man, although I’m not – I’m a girl and a cat and still quite young.

Defining moment of your life?
When Nutmeg ran away for three days. It was brilliant. I had the house and the humans to myself. Tim and Isabel were upset so I got lots of fuss and they even gave me more food that usual. I do love Nutmeg and stuff, course I do, because we've growded up together, but she can be a bit noisy and demanding. She's a terrible flirt, too. I'm not one to tell tales, but once when we were in the cattery she minced around showing her tail to the boy next door. Another time, when a hedgehog came in the garden, I think she tried to give it her number.

Any enemies?
I'm quite a nervous cat so I'm scared of lots of things. Dogs barking. Dustmen. The car over the road with the funny engine. People knocking at the door. Brooms. Boots. The postman on gravel. There are enemies everywhere. If I had a psychomologolist they'd tell me that's why I eat too much. It's my nerves. I’d tell them what I tell everyone else: I’m big boned.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Ban rain.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
David James. I could show him how to catch.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
The Bear. I'm not really into boys, but I'd get his number for Nutmeg.

Brief biography?
I was born in Sussex, then moved to Surrey. I never met my daddy, although my mummy was called Mabel and her human said she used to go "loopy for leaves" when she was my age.
My scariest moment was when I got stuck on a neighbour’s pergola. I’d followed Nutmeg over there but then two dogs came out and started jumping up at us. Nutmeg legged it and left me there and I just froze. I sat and pretended it wasn’t happening, staring at the sky. In the end, Tim had to come round with a stepladder and rescue me. He said it was the last thing he needed, because the neighbours already thought he was a crank when it came to cats!
I have a very long tail. Even people who meet me for the first time have remarked on the length of my tail. I think it could win a prize. I also have striking markings and big eyes. Humans often say I should be entered for a show, although I vetoed that idea because I don’t like meeting other cats. I also have a sensitive tummy so I often have to eat boring bland food from the vet, Mr Mike.
My main ambition in life is to catch a pidgin. They sit in the garden and make me go cross-eyed. One sat on the shed for two hours once, so I sat on the grass staring back at it for all that time. I might not be very quick, but I’m patient. I watch them in trees and hope they’ll fall out and land next to me. This hasn’t happened yet but it might. When they fly off, they sometimes drop feathers and I eat the feathers. That's how I think the actual pidgin would taste.

PS: Don't think I'm not aware that Nutmeg got asked to be a guest on this blog before me. I heard her boasting about it. And it’s not true what she said about me finding the worm dead. It was alive and I had to wrestle it to the ground (well, it was actually already on the ground, but it did wriggle a bit).

Parsley's human Tim Relf is the author of two novels - you can find out more about his fiction here.

The Bear And His Question Mark Face

Sometimes, just sometimes, the heartbreak can get a bit much...

Simon's Christmas Cat

If I was talking to you on the phone and this clip appeared on my computer, I would pretend to hear what you'd said but not hear it

Finished copies of Talk To The Tail have arrived!

Only four and a half weeks until it's published now...

I think it looks rather nice as a set with the hardback of Under The Paw. It almost makes me want to renege on my decision to call my next book 'Satan's Cockhounds'.