Thursday 3 January 2008

Children Do Not Like Catnip: The Reminders A Childless Cat Owner Gives Himself When In The Company Of The New Offspring Of Friends And Relatives

1. When engaging the attention of toddlers, do not tickle them under the chin or wave Shipley's favourite fluffy feather stick toy under their nose, in an attempt to get them to bat it about.

2. When the talk turns to how rambunctious little Edwin/Dylan/Amelie is, do not attempt to work your theories about “measuring cat strength being a bit like the football results” into the conversation*.

3. Those cat biscuits with the fancy packaging with names like “Enticements” may work as a special treat for The Bear when he is in one of his despondent moods, but they probably will not have the same effect on a colicky juvenile, and could lead to irrevocable digestion problems.

4. When new-parent friends start to joke about how expensive their offspring’s taste is getting (“It’s only Waitrose rusks for Minnie!”), try not to see it as an opportunity to talk about Bootsy's preference for memory foam over polyester.

5. Do not spend an overt amount of time cuddling Bootsy, since it may make new-parent friends think you are only slightly less bonkers than Tori Amos was that time she posed for one of her album covers suckling a pig.

6. Upon hearing friends discuss the intellectual development of their offspring, do not try and compare it with that of your cats.

* Just as it never made sense to me as a kid that Aston Villa could beat Liverpool 2-1, and Liverpool could beat Wimbledon 5-0 but Wimbledon could beat Aston Villa 3-0, it does not make sense to me now that Ralph can beat up Shipley, and Shipley can beat up Janet, but Janet is still, on balance, slightly harder than Ralph.


Pam said...

This sounds like very good advice!

harpercat said...

Well, I've certainly never compared my cat's intellect with those of any babies/toddlers - he's way more advanced and I wouldn't want the proud parents to feel despondent.... :D ROFL

Nancy Weitz said...

A cat owner will always win a game of oneupmanship with the parents of a child under three, especially if you steer the subject toward temperament, cleanliness, physical dexterity and pooing reliably in the designated location.

Unknown said...

When I am in the company of babies, toddlers etc. I do have to check out of 'cat-speak'into 'gobbildy goo goo baby speak'. I tend to talk to my 4 cats with a higher level of intellect than I would a baby. My cats do answer back especially the female.

lydia utterback said...

this is so true lol i loved it you have a lovely day and give the kitties a kiss for me.your friend lydia

CatWitch said... that we've added a puppy to the mix (and we ARE a childless couple with a pair sibling qats), I suppose these little nuggets of wisdom hold true with canine children. Thanks!

CatWitch said... that we've added a puppy into the mix, I suppose the same could be true for canine parents...thanks!

Black Cat said...

I can totally relate to this post, being childless myself and, it has to be said, not all that interested in little Tarquin or Camilla's daily doings!

kat said...

Children do not like Catnip? Oh, but they should! They should! Can you just IMAGINE??? hahaha How much CUTER they would be, then, frolicking outdoors in the sun, or rolling around, docile, on the couches, not fighting, not arguing. Good kids... hahaha Yes, they should! They should!!!

tangente said...

So true, so true!

Anonymous said...

catnip is a great herb for childrens fever. they can grow it in their own gardens and for those not faint of heart it attracts bees.