HOW TO MEDICATE AN INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED CAT: INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOUSESITTERS

1. Clear space on kitchen work surface. Scan surface for sharp or burning objects, keeping in mind The Time Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend Set Fire To His Tail By Walking Too Close To A Candle. Arrange food dishes and remove two pills from jar priced erroneously and unfairly excitingly on Internet at “50p for 30!” (actual price: 50p each).

2. Call cats, using special patented Tomwhistle.

3. Place pouches of meaty slop on kitchen counter, carefully avoiding three year-old packets of Felix As Good As It Looks (aka As Bad As It Smells) at rear of food drawer. Dispense meaty slop.

4. Throw Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall off kitchen counter with one hand, whilst using other hand to carefully place two pink pills inside one dish of meaty slop. If possible, try to insert pills into meaty chunks themselves, rather than just into jelly. Whilst doing this, try not to dwell overly on substance concerned. Think of it this way: yes, it smells, but if you really thought about an egg or some milk, you probably wouldn’t want to go near that either.

5. Wash hands, thoroughly.

6. Dive across kitchen, just in time to remove face of Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall from pilled dish of meaty slop.

7. Whilst looking the other way and pretending to be occupied, quickly swoop down and pick up Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend. Pick up pilled dish of meaty slop, and place cat and slop in adjacent room.

8. Remove face of Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall from bottom of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, and close door, firmly.

9. Feed remaining five cats. For full instructions on feeding, refer to How To Feed Six Sodding Cats: Instructions For Housesitters (Under The Paw, Simon And Schuster, 2008).

10. Open door of adjacent room, and release Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend back into kitchen. Collect leftover pills from Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend’s now otherwise empty bowl, and place on kitchen counter.

11. Chase Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend downstairs, maintaining enough speed not to lose sight of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, but not so much speed that Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend runs out of catflap in fear.

12. Carefully circle Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, feigning great interest in object in entirely opposite direction from Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

13. At the count of three (please note: counting should be done purely in own head), dive at Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

14. Pick self up off floor, ignoring disdainful looks of suddenly appearing Sensitive Artistic Secret Warlord Cat. Sit down in Formerly Sumptuously Restored 1970s Armchair Now Permanently Jealously Overseen By Attention Seeking Grey Dwarf Cat. Relax and clear mind of feline-related thoughts, being sure to avail self of film collection on adjacent shelf. Please note: for purposes of continued mind-clearing, best to avoid ‘The Complete Bagpuss’ DVD.

15. Wait ten minutes, then return upstairs. Call cats, using special patented Tomwhistle.

16. Throw Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall off kitchen counter.

17. Gingerly creep downstairs, gently calling Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

18. Pick Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend’s claw out of back, having not realised that, while you were heading downstairs, looking for Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend was above you, playing a game of “Prison” (aka ‘Use Bars Of Balustrade As Protection Whilst Violently Batting Soft Parts Of Passing Unsuspecting Humans’).

19. Open fridge, and retrieve Tesco Finest Honey Roast Ham from minus one drawer. Place on kitchen counter.

20. Open cat food drawer, and keep Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend’s interest by rustling sachet of meaty slop.

21. Take Tesco Finest Honey Roast Ham to pills. Realise “pills” is now in fact “pill”.

22. Pick up Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall and notice telltale pink smear around mouth of Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall.

23. Wash hands, thoroughly.

24. Secrete remaining pill inside sheet of Tesco Finest Honey Roast Ham, creating pill sandwich. Step boldly towards Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend and sweep Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend off floor, then feed pill sandwich to Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

25. Witness small, girlish meow, and realise that, in attempting to follow How To Feed Six Sodding Cats instructions, one cat, Prettyboy Tabby Cat, was omitted from melee.

26. Place Prettyboy Tabby Cat on Strange Plastic Grandma Stool, with dish of meaty slop.

27. Watch Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend begin to convulse in corner of room.

28. Grab kitchen roll and dive, belatedly, in direction of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

29. Cautiously examine effluence of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, finding no pink pill.

30. Double bag effluence of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend and place in dustbin.

31. Sigh, and wash hands, thoroughly. Spot pink pill – now quarter of former size - stuck to trouser leg.

32. Repair to fridge, retrieve butter, and firmly cut off thumb-sized knob. Place pill inside knob.

33. Repair to bathroom, and grab clean towel from rack.

34. Sweep Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend off floor, harshly curtailing second game of “Prison” in ten minutes, and swaddle Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend in towel.

35. Insert buttered pill between Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend’s mouth, and gently but firmly clamp shut.

36. Wait ninety seconds, gently rubbing throat of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.
37. Watch as pink and yellow liquid oozes from mouth of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

38. Place Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend on floor.

39. Open fridge, retrieving remainder of Tesco Finest Honey Roast Ham, chicken curry leftovers, spare ribs and kabano sausages (six pack). Open all packaging, and place on floor.

40. Pick up coat and bag. Wipe hands on corduroy jacket belonging to male owner of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

41. Exit house, posting spare keys through letterbox.

42. Receive phone call from owners of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend. Answer in high-pitched voice of elderly lady called Joan, from Fife, and profess ignorance of any subject mentioned. When subject of cats comes up, begin to talk about son’s upcoming rowing final. Please note: if actually called Joan, elderly, with rowing champion son, and from Fife in real life, choose different identity.

43. Call phone company and request new numbers.

44. Write note to self on hand: “Locksmith?”.

45. Pour large glass of wine, and run bath.

46. Rummage in bottom of bag, and find bath bomb, bought from popular natural cosmetic company and summarily forgotten about two weeks previously.

47. Gently crumble and add bath bomb to warm, flowing water, savouring aroma.

48. Light candle.

49. Relax into suds, feeling physically and spiritually cleansed, and looking boldly towards future.



Buy Under The Paw at amazon with 40% off!

Pre-order Talk To The Tail!

Guest Cat Of The Month For August: Softface

Name
SoftFace

Nicknames
Soft, Softie, Captain, Little Ghost, Bobo

Age
Nearly 2. Yeah!

Owners
Katia

Catchphrase?
Die sleeping owners toes! Die! Die!

Favourite Habits?
Chasing tail

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
I like it when Katia gets back late because it means I’ve already had my 13th nap of the day. Generally when this happens she feeds me twice out of guilt. She's so Jewish!

After my first dinner I like to have a plastic bag rustled for me so I can rush into it really quickly and then be spun in a circle. I would probably maul Katia’s arm for a little while until she gave me my second dinner in an attempt to distract me.

This would have to be a balmy summer night so there are a few flies on the balcony. Sometimes I try and eat them but if they’re out of reach I just stare up at them making creepy teradactyl noises until they fly away. After Katia gets into bed I’ll snuggle with her for about 2minutes and 30 seconds and then bite her and jump off the bed. I’ll hide until she starts dozing off because then I can really start to fuck with her. I do this by randomly digging my claws into the soft bit between her toes and the pads of her feet. I’m lucky because she sleeps on her back like a starfish so sometimes I can walk up her back and bite her head. That is freaking hilarious. She hates it so much! When she finally gets to sleep I love going out on the rooftops where me and my buddies fight each other in one of the derelict flats on the estate. It’s kind of like that film Fight Club but without Meatloaf jiggling around.

Favourite Food?
A round of Applaws if you will. Ocean Fish is my poison.

Defining moment of your life?
Killing my first pigeon. That was awesome. And it was tasty.

Any Enemies?
Flies. And also anything else that flies.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
I would give us all wings, making us the ultimate predators

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
I think I would have a fair amount in common with The Marquis De Sade

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?

Janet, I think there’s a good discussion to be had around feline gender identity.

Biography
I was born in a cafe in Lower Marsh Street called Scooterworks in October 2008. My dad is also my brother. Looking back my I didn’t even realise our family situation wasn’t ‘normal’. It wasn’t until I read a copy of Chat where a woman found out her older brother was actually her father that I realised families weren’t supposed to have sex with each other..

They used to call me ‘The Black and White One’ to distinguish me from ‘The Grey One’ I found out ‘The Grey One’ tried to kill himself by jumping out of a window one day. Maybe he read the same magazine I did and had a bad reaction to it. Apparently he’s okay now but he had two of his legs in casts for a while. I miss The Grey One sometimes.

On Christmas Eve Katia came and got me and she changed my name to ‘Captain SuperGreat’. I had my very first Christmas in my new house and Katia made me my very own mini chicken that I was allowed to climb all over and eat.

My name didn’t last long and one night she noticed that I had a really soft face and that’s the name that stuck. I’ve lived in South London all my life and I’m happy here. I did have a scare recently when I got trapped in a wall cavity in one of the derelict flats I mentioned earlier. I’d been there ALL DAY and was starting to get a little freaked out. I could hear Katia asking the neighbours if they’d seen me so I managed to get her attention by meowling as loud as I could and sticking my hands down a tiny hole in the roof.

I tried to crawl through it to get to her but my head nearly got stuck which was really upsetting. Katia called the firemen. When they arrived they started bashing holes in all over the estate trying to figure out how to get to me. In the end they made a MASSIVE hole in the roof outside her neighbours flat and I managed to escape. That’s probably the most exciting thing that’s happened to me so far, but then I’m still young. Maybe I’ll be in Chat magazine one day.

Guest Cat Of The Month For July: Maritza

Name
Maritza

Nicknames
Itzy, Eggy Cat (sometimes I come in smelling of egg), Chimney Sweep, Ritza.

Age
1 and a half.

Owners
Carol, Rob and Wallis (I don’t like Wallis much, I don’t know why).

Catchphrase?
Hullo, food? No? Ok, I’ll sleep on the roofs for a bit then if you’re going to be like that. Hmph.

Favourite Habits?
Looking down chimney pots, sitting on chimney pots, walking along the roofs, sleeping on the roofs, hiding, eating, playing with the squirrel toy, chasing birds, squirrels, and just sleeping in general really.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
At about 6 I wake up from my afternoon nap on my favourite chair and go out into the garden. I sit there for a while, roll around in the dust, play with the rabbits and Bella (my older half sister). Then I have a wash. Having the wash usually takes me about half an hour .
After my wash I go up onto the flat roof and sit there for a bit, just watching the humans (clumsy things they are, but you’ve gotta love em). Once I get bored of the flat roof I go up onto the big roof with the chimney pots. Here I sit on top of the chimney pots and get covered in soot ( I like soot, it makes me look like a different cat).
The next bit is my favourite bit, it’s TREAT TIME, at 9 the humans bang a can of food and we go inside to have it. It’s really yummy. After my treat I play with Bella and sleep.

Favourite Food?
Easy- Gourmet Pearl Casserole Variety Duck & Turkey flavour. *Drools at the very thought of it*

Defining moment of your life?
When the humans came back from holiday and I was angry at them for leaving us I walked along the rooftops for 6 houses and wouldn’t come down for hours. They almost called the fire brigade.

Any Enemies?
The tabby from the bottom of the road, it was mean to me and Bella when we were kittens. Oh, and Freddie the rabbit- he hits me with his little rabbit paws.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Cat Government- MORE TREATS FOR ALL CATS.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Florence Welch, we’re both ginger and I was brought up listening to her music.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
The Bear. I heard his name on the radio once. That is the only reason.

Biography
I was born in Windsor at my breeder’s house on the 6th Janurary 2009. I am a pedigree Maine Coon. My mother was called Kagoza Enya (normally she is called Lupetta) and my father was called Noracoon Little Britten (normally called Alessio). I was the only one left of my litter and no one wanted me because I was a girl, but then my humans bought me. As a very small kitten I used to make my brothers play by running into them (they didn’t like it much but they played anyway).
At 12 weeks I was taken to a much bigger home in London to live with Carol, Rob, Wallis , Bella and the rabbits. When I first got to my new home Bella (who I had lived with for half of my life) absolutely hated me. One day when the humans came home they found that I no longer had whiskers- I just had stubble! They think it’s because Bella hated me so much she chopped my whiskers off (it is).
I loved my house when I came, but I couldn’t walk across the kitchen floor , it was tiled you see and my fluffy, rather big paws couldn’t manage it so the had to put a rug down for me. A couple of months after I came there was building work in the kitchen so me and Bella had to live in the loft. By this time Bella had warmed to me and we did everything together (we still do most of the time.. Except when I go on the roof, Bell can’t manage that because she’s too big!)
After the building work we were allowed to go outside properly, not just look out the windows! I loved it, for months I chased this one squirrel, never caught it (the humans say it was because I hid in the middle of the lawn instead of in the bushes) but it was still fun.
I still haven’t caught anything except flies, do you count flies? I don’t. Now I spend my time sleeping and on the roof. There was a phase where a tabby was mean to me and Bell but we don’t like to talk about it.


Name

The Third Annual Witless-Looking Cats Competition: The Winners!

The standards of entries for this year's Most Witless-Looking Cat competition were higher than ever. I doubt I'd have managed a decision alone without getting a headache from the sheer brilliance of the photos, so many thanks to my fellow judges Laura, Pat, Jo, Katia and Linz for their help. So many came so close, but the three moronic moggers below - in no particular order - have been decreed the most supremely idiotic. Each will win a signed copy of Under The Paw...

Milu from Juliana:

Nacho from Hollie:

---- from Lisa:

And a special mention goes to Minchie from Peggy (although the witlessness was just that bit forced to be in the running for a prize):


Those who weren't successful can read more about witless - and not-so witless cats - in Under The Paw and (published in January, but available to pre-order now!) Talk To The Tail.

Good Vibrations Kitteh - Ur Doing It Wrong

I Really Like Lionhead Rabbits

More here

Also good for a fluffy pick-me-up: The Daily Bunny

World's Fastest Cat?