Wednesday, 3 April 2013

Guest Writer's Cat Of The Week: Snowball

Snowball Neville.

Oh, many, but I choose to rise above them.

Theme tune?
Peter Gunn.

I’ll be 8 this Summer. Where did it all go? It seems like only yesterday, I was light enough to climb the net curtains. And then, all at once, I wasn’t. And then there weren’t any net curtains any more. Never look back. Certainly never apologise.

My main provider and tray-emptier is called Rich Neville. We laughed the first time we saw my veterinary records and found out we had the same surname. I can’t even fathom the odds. I don’t think he’s a cat. If he is, he’s horribly malformed. He’s generally well-behaved, though. I’ve only had to slice him up on a couple of occasions.

Brief biography?
I was one of a litter of four. My mother and one of my sisters still live nearby, but I don’t keep in touch. My father was a street fighter. I got my muscular physique from him, but thankfully not any of his various parasites. I’ve lived at the same address since I was 8 weeks old, but I take a keen interest in wildlife documentaries, and keep abreast of what’s going on in the world.

“What the Hell did you shut that for?”

Favourite habits?
When beset by consciousness, I enjoy staring into empty corners to engender a creeping sense of foreboding in others, howling, and urination.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
I like to be surprised with an evening snack comprising some form of roast meat, once Rich has taken whatever scraps he needs from the carcass. It’s nice to follow this with some light postprandial exercise; Rich seems to enjoy playing with string, so I try to occupy him for a while by joining in. Then it’s time to recharge with the eighth and probably most important nap of the day. Finally, once the white things on the walls have stopped providing me with heat for the night, I like to drape myself over Rich’s shoulders and relax. I’m trying to gradually inculcate a hunch in him, or stoop if you will, to make this more comfortable when he walks around.

Favourite food?
There isn’t much that I wouldn’t tire of, if I saw it on my plate every day. That said, I think I could eat cheddar for a living, if such a situation became financially ineluctable.

Defining moment of your life?
The moment I discovered the spot on the upstairs banister from which I could urinate on two floors simultaneously would be hard to beat.

Any enemies?
I generally consider myself to be fairly gregarious, but I would cross the street to avoid the vacuum cleaner or the tin whistle. Irredeemable arses, the pair of them.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?
I would place the handle considerably further down on the fridge door.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
David Attenborough. I’d like to think I’d fascinate him, and he knows where all the most delicious small animals are.

Which one of the cats in  Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail  would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
The Bear. Black with a tiny white bib is a timeless look, I think. He reminds me of an older me.

Snowball’s enabler Rich Neville is the LAFTA award-winning author of Catbin Fever and the forthcoming novel Jeremy is Stuck.

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