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Selections From The Cat Dictionary

CATGUT
The quality of feline true grit in the face of adversity.

CATIQUETTE
The ancient and mysterious social law that governs the cat universe and allows cold-blooded killing machines to live in relative harmony, frequently under the same roof. When is it considered good form to steal an older cat’s favourite spot on a chair? What exactly makes it ok to virtually insert your nose into a fellow cat’s rear end one dayand it a passing sniff an outright offence less than twenty four hours’ later? In a hungry gaggle of six duplicitous, randomly thrown-together moggies, who decides who gets priority at the dinner table, and how? How does a cat implicitly understand what a “garden” is, and where it begins and ends? Humans remain in the dark about all this, but Catiquette provides the answers.

CATPACITY
For a human to reach the absolute limit of cats you can reasonably own. E.g.: "Man, I would love to take that kitten of your hands, believe me, but I'm totally at catpacity right now."

CATPAWCITY The exact opposite of being at catpacity. Not to be confused with the 19th century American frontier town, Cat Paw City, in South Dakota (population 3017).

E.S. PEE The telepathic process which leads a cat to only get properly settled on its owner’s stomach in the moments when that owner is most desperate for the toilet.

FURMAT'S LAST THEOREM
The inarguable mathematical law that states that a cat’s affection will rise and fall in direct proportion to the amount of dirt on its body at the time.

GRIBBLY BITS The bits of jellified catmeat that escape from the bowl and weld themselves to hardwood floors and kitchen kickboards – sometimes even if your kitchen doesn’t have kickboards. 

HELPING
To offer crucial moral support with while one’s owner is hard at work. More popular examples include “Painting” (brushing one’s tail against some fresh paintwork and leaving a hairy residue), “Carrying” (darting in between one’s owner’s feet when they are transporting a heavy tray of food between rooms) and “Testing For Bacteria” (licking some freshly buttered bread while one’s owner's back is turned). 

MOUSETACHE
A perfectly-placed mouse, held between the teeth in a perfectly horizontal manner (preferably with a slight downward droop at each end), so as to make the creature’s captor look particularly dashing. Out-of-vogue variations include “The Zapata Mousetache”, “Sidebirds”, and the rare-but-always-impressive “Handlebat” mousetache.

MOUSEOLEUM
A special selection of the house or garden, reserved for one's most venerated kills.

PISSIVE AGGRESSIVE
To show one's anger subtly, via the medium of urine.

QUANTUM PHYSICS
The mysterious force allowing a contented cat to fold its limbs, head and torso into an area a quarter of the size of its usual body mass.

REFLECTYTIME Those meditative moments on the litter tray or the freshly hoed soil when one’s hard-set veneer of dignity is momentarily dropped, a certain faraway dreaminess comes over the eyes, and, just for twenty or thirty seconds, all in the world is right. Also known as "Reading The Invisible Newspaper".

SETTING A PISSIDENT To urinate in a completely new and innovative place, instigating a trend for such action amongst your fellow felines.

SIMULSLURP The mystic force that, without the need for discussion or consensus, will cause numerous cats in the same room all to clean their most hard-to-get regions at exactly the same time. 

SLEEPING WITH THE FISHES The particularly contented, lengthy state of REM that occurs after one has clandestinely intercepted one’s owners shopping bags in the wake of their last trip to the seafood counter.

WAKING UP WITH WOOD To emerge, bleary-eyed, from a nap and find a twig stuck to one's tail with no recollection of it being there when one fell asleep.

Read the full Cat Dictionary in Under The Paw, Talk To The Tail  and The Good, The Bad And The Furry. 

Felix Senior Food: The More Melancholy Version

The Bear's 'TV Advert Cat' Pose

How To Feed Six Sodding Cats: Instructions For Housesitters

1. Take five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and arrange them on plastic trays on kitchen worktop.

2. Bat Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat off worktop with elbow, whilst using phrase involving the word “cretin”.

3. Whistle loudly, using special whistle.

4. Open kitchen drawer and reach for two sachets of Felix Meat Selection In Jelly. DO NOT use Felix ‘As Good As It Looks’ - aka 'As Bad As It Smells' - sachets mouldering in rear of drawer.

5. Bat Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat out of drawer with forearm. Show Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat tiny space between thumb and forefinger, explaining to him that he has “that much talent”.

6. Simultaneously Remove Obnoxious Yappy Black Cat from Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat’s face and Grey Dwarf Cat from Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat’s bottom.

7. Gently greet Prettyboy Tabby Cat in unthreatening girly voice, in an attempt not to hurt Prettyboy Tabby Cat’s increasingly delicate self-esteem.

8. Open sachets of Felix Meat Selection In Jelly and distribute evenly between five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

9. Bat Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat off worktop with elbow, whilst mocking Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat’s habit of leaving his tongue out and needling him about childhood traumas.

10. Empty and refill Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser, removing soggy biscuits from plughole.

11. Forcefully remove Obnoxious Yappy Black Cat from kitchen work surface.

12. Whistle loudly, using special Tomwhistle.

13. Remove Fluffy Dumb Black Cat’s claw from leg.

14. Call name of Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat out window, being careful to direct voice in way that will not irritate neighbours, or make passers-by think that the phrase “The Bear!” could mean that there is actual bear roaming South Norfolk streets.

15. Begin to place five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish at evenly spaced intervals across kitchen floor, being careful not to squish too close to kickboards for fear of “fast-dried gribbly bits syndrome”.

16. Chase down stairs after Prettyboy Tabby Cat, attempting to convince Prettyboy Tabby Cat that just because Grey Dwarf Cat has hissed at Prettyboy Tabby Cat, it is no reason not to eat.

17. Return Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat to original dish, clearing space for Prettyboy Tabby Cat.

18. Return Grey Dwarf Cat to original dish, clearing space for Fluffy Dumb Black Cat.

19. Form human shield between Obnoxious Yappy Black Cat, Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat and Grey Dwarf Cat and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

20. Place Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat in front of Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

21. Watch as Troubled Sensitive Warlord Black Cat looks up, deep into eyes, with a “What? You want me to eat this shit?” face.

22. Place Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat on kitchen work surface together, gently ushering Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat towards meaty jellied chunks until Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat begins to take tentative licks at meaty jellied chunks.

23. Re-fill Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser, after removing Fluffy Dumb Black Cat puke from Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser’s central reservoir.

24. Return meaty jellied chunks from kitchen work surface to Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish whilst making gentle encouraging noises at Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat.

25. Bat Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat off worktop with elbow, vocally noting Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat’s Resemblance to a recently lobotomised feline Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

26. Chase down stairs after Prettyboy Tabby Cat, attempting to convince Prettyboy Tabby Cat that just because Grey Dwarf Cat has hissed at Prettyboy Tabby Cat, it is no reason not to eat.

27. Quickly place kitchen roll under Fluffy Dumb Black Cat’s mouth, as Fluffy Dumb Black Cat begins to re-enact the video to ‘Street Dance’. Use other hand to move retreating Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat out of line of fire.

28. Use Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat’s in-built waste-disposal mechanism on Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and surrounding environs, whilst congratulating Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat and retracting all previous references involving the phrases “cretin” and “Bennie who used to be in the sitcom Crossroads”.

29. Use Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat’s in-built waste-disposal mechanism on other bowls to prevent “fast-dried gribbly bit syndrome”.

30. Open drawer for teabag and mug.

31. Gently remove Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton Cat from drawer.

32. Wipe stray jellified chunk from tea mug.

33. Wipe stray jellified chunk from underarm, but not before using to gain spurious cupboard love from Grey Dwarf Cat.

34. Hold teabag in front of Overexcitable Ginger Simpleton's Cat’s face, asking, in increasingly frantic tones, “You want this? You want this? Huh? REALLY?”.

35. Repeat every ten-twelve hours.

Extracted from my book, Under The Paw. 

Read the sequel, Talk To The Tail.

Read my latest book, The Bad And The Furry

Cat vs Tin Foil

Stuff that makes The Bear sad, #69: shelving.

More stuff that makes The Bear sad here.

Some Of This Year's Best Snowcats (And One Of The Worst, Made By Me)

Saturday Thoughts From The Hare Who Lives On My Kitchen Blackboard

Roscoe And Her Long-Standing Nemesis

More than six months on, but some things haven't changed.

              

More Roscoe.

Reader Pic Of The Day

I'm guessing that they were going to share one copy, but fell out, bought one each and ended up reading them in separate hotels.

More cats reading Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail.

Keeping My Cats Out Of The Bedroom: Instructions For Housesitters

1. Dear______ and ______. Thanks again for doing this. It will make our holiday so much more relaxing to know you are here. We are confident the cats will be in good hands with you, and I doubt they’ll cause you any trouble. Just wanted to warn you about one thing: it’s absolutely crucial, while you’re here, that you keep all four of the cats out of the bedroom. The old intellectual black one pissed on the curtains a while back then the middle-aged mouthy black one pissed in the same place to wind him up, and, even though I’ve washed the curtains really thoroughly several times since then and they smell lovely now, you know how it is: once a cat’s pissed on some curtains, that cat will never really forget that those curtains are a lovely place to piss. 

The narcissistic tabby one and the small black and white one who looks like a living cartoon aren’t interested in pissing on the curtains, but they do love to bounce all over the bed when their paws are muddy. Also, the narcissistic tabby one really likes to meow his own name and the word “HELLO!” at 3am. You don’t want that in the same room as you. Believe me.

2. There is a slight problem with the bedroom door. Even though it’s heavy, it doesn’t quite click shut properly, which means that the mouthy black one, who is as strong and sinewy as a monitor lizard, can push it open. My method for stopping this from happening used to be to the placement of a very old, large, coverless cushion behind the door, but I don’t do that any more, because the old intellectual black one did something unspeakable to it. Also, don’t even think about using that sausage dog-shaped 1970s draft excluder. It’s useless. I don’t know why I bought it really. I suppose when you’re hungover and you’re out shopping with friends stuff like that can seem like a good idea, but you often regret it. Try using one of the massive heavy cushions off the sofa instead. 

Also, if you’re passing the big secondhand shop on Magdalen Street in Norwich, maybe you could drop the sausage dog draft excluder in there for me? Ask for Eric. He’s the one with the limp who looks he used to be in The Moody Blues.

3. If the mouthy black one is feeling particularly determined, he can actually still push the door open, even if one of the massive heavy cushions from the sofa is behind it, especially on nights when he has waded through the fen up the road, and wants somewhere soft to wipe his paws. As he does so, he’ll normally make a very loud sweary noise, a bit like a disgruntled teenager, but also slightly like an angry pterodactyl. Don’t worry, though: this only happens twice a week on average, and it’s manageable. You just have to keep one eye constantly open, and be ready to leap out of bed and intercept him before he spreads peaty jet black muck all over the duvet and my original 1970s Superman pillowcase.

4. Sometimes, when the mouthy black one breaks in, and you’re trying to intercept him, the small black and white one who looks like a living cartoon will nip in after him, and scurry under the bed. Try not to concern yourself too much with her. She’s very hard to catch and the worst she’ll do is attack your feet in the night or burrow into your stomach as if it contains a treat that, with enough probing, she thinks she will be able to find and eat. Most probably she’ll just head into the bathroom nextdoor and fall asleep on the folded towels. Make sure that before using it you remember to wash the towel she’s slept on, though - and perhaps the one underneath it, just for insurance.

5. The old intellectual black one does sometimes have night terrors. I probably should have mentioned that earlier. Please don’t be alarmed by these. They normally involve him walking around the kitchen making a weird wobbly-lipped noise which sounds like he has seen the ghost of a deceased lover or is questioning the very nature of existence. I probably make that sound worse than it is. The narcissistic tabby one, for example is way louder when he walks around meowing his own name or ticking cat jobs off a small  invisible clipboard. The old intellectual black one won’t trouble you for long - maybe 45 minutes, at the most. Pop in there and give him a cuddle if possible. He’s used to that, and might feel even more alone and scared without it.

6. Of course, while you’re on a separate floor of the house, comforting the intellectual black one, there’s also the possibility that the mouthy black one will take advantage of your absence and break into the bedroom, followed by the small black and white one who looks like a living cartoon, and the narcissistic tabby one, who does I should probably say have a small problem with bringing slugs in on his back at present. If so, you can’t be blamed, and maybe it will be best to abandon the bedroom altogether, as you don’t want to be waking up later with small bits of soil or slugs between your toes, and, in the words of a couple of my friends who have stayed over recently, “That sofa bed is almost as comfortable as some real beds!”. Don’t worry. It’s no big deal. Have a fantastic stay and we’ll see you in just over three weeks! 

P.S. If you visit the farm museum up the road, make sure you get some fudge from the shop. It’s excellent.

Read the rest in The Good, The Bad And The Furry.

Buffins

My favourite cat of this week is Buffins, who won the title of 'Cat With The Most Appealing Expression' in 1958.