Guest Cat Of The Month For June: Liam

Name
Liam

Nicknames
Hahm

Age
An august nine years

Owners
One Clyn. Graduate, scribbler, incapable of disciplining me.

Catchphrase?
I recently unleashed the full force of my ''MRAK'' bark. The reaction from the humans and next door's idiot dog made all those hours of practice totally worth it.

Favourite habits?
During a mouse infestation I realised that catching a rodent brought me extravagant praise. Now every so often I'll test the water by bringing a toy mouse over to a human, dropping it at their feet, and looking up expectantly.
Sometimes I'll deign to notice the fluffy new toy someone's bought for me and spend up to three minutes throwing it around, carrying it over to my food bowl and giving it a quiff by virtue of my vigorous washing. Then I'll bat it somewhere inaccessible and strut away. I am a complex being.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
First of all, I stare pointedly at the empty fireplace until one of the humans sets a fire. Then I'll stop abruptly in the midst of washing and stare fixedly at a spot on the wall indistinguishable from any other patch of wall in the room. If someone's reading a newspaper, I will slink over and pounce on their hand before they finish turning the page. If someone is on a laptop, I will stand on it and unleash my thoughts onto the interwebs. If someone is sitting where I wsh to sit, I will call on the powers of Thundera to concentrate all of my weight onto one small paw, and press it on their leg. In the frozen North, we make our own entertainment.

Favourite food?
Well, Iams is a reliable favourite, but you don't get to my age without taking care of yourself. I supplement my diet with green beans, peas, sweetcorn, expensive ice-cream, and cheese and onion crisps. Only the flavouring, mind you. I leave the soggy, misshapen former-crisp on the rug for the humans to deal with. Often Clyn will forget and stand on it. I live for these moments.

Defining moment of your life?
I was given a fluffy toy hedgehog to cuddle up to at night in case I missed my brother. Some time after this - far too soon, damn you - I made my first big trip to the vet to ensure I remained in a state of perpetual kittenhood. As the vet reached into the cat carrier, he grasped something small and furry. Yes, gentle reader, I had pushed my toy hedgehog towards him. Sadly, he was not fooled a second time.

Any enemies?
The gerbil used to taunt me by kicking his food over me while I slept, or sticking his tail out of his cage and wiggling his bottom in my direction, like a Frenchman. When he was allowed out to run around in his sphere the little pig would make a beeline for me, but I outlived him. And so perish all my enemies. Except that tomcat from the farm from down the road. Damn creature took a bit of my ear, what what. I soon sent him packing.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Catflaps on every door. Humans are notoriously thick and require everything to be pointed out to them. It's not like there's much going on at 3am anyway, so I fail to grasp why they can't open the doors on my first request.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Christopher Walken. The man has a certain feline grace. He is my spirit animal. Oh, or Morrissey. I heard Q magazine once asked him why he'd been away for so long, and he replied 'I have a very demanding cat.'

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
RALPH. RALPH RALPH RALPH.

Biography
I was born under a bad sign, left out in the cold. I'm a lonely m- wait, that's not it. Supposed runt of the litter, I proved myself proficient at climbing curtains at a very young age. I enjoy exploring, sleeping in a variety of interesting places, and laughing at lonely hearts adverts in the Guardian.