Wednesday 1 April 2009
Guest Cat Of The Month For April: Mr Love
The Monsieur. Senor Amour. Love Bucket.
Please can I have some more?
Watching the hummingbirds and making kill noises. sleeping on the blue chair
What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Ordering in - some sashimi involving crab, shrimp and cucumber, followed by hummingbird watch followed by purring on velvet and falling asleep to either Paul McKenna's I Can Make You Thin or Close To You by The Carpenters.
For breakfast a croissant heftily buttered followed by Fancy Feast. Lunch Alaskan smoked salmon or shrimp, broccoli, cucumber, asparagus lightly steamed with a bit of butter. Snacks parma ham, cheese crackers.
Defining moment of your life?
I was out playing in the garden chasing a bird or perhaps it was a squirrel. My mind became blank in one cat-astrophic moment. My world became panoramic and small. I wanted to move but I couldn't. I heard screams and I heard my owner saying, "Was he hit by a car, has he had a stroke. What's wrong with him?" They took me to hospital, shaved my fur. They discussed terrible things, but I looked up and said no, I will survive, but I could only say it with my eyes, I'd lost my meow. For a month I was fed through a tube. Terrible for a gourmand like me. I learnt to walk again, but with a limp. I lost a lot of weight and I was no longer the largest cat in California, but the vet said I am the tallest cat in Los Angeles and campaigner for disabled cat rights.
My sister Hollywood, I hate her. I made her chew fur from her thighs and hide in a cupboard and now she lives in Boston. Le midget - can't even talk about it and really don't like that squashed faced looking thing that lives five houses down.
If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Special cat dining areas in restaurants. World ban on hoover, hairdryer and cat carrier and car.
If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
I have met many celebrities including Renee Zellweger when I was a kitten. She came with a big dog. She chose my sister because I hid. I didn't like the dog or Texas accents. I love Paul McKenna. I have had personal therapy from him where he tries to stop me from screaming like an African woman when I am put into my carrying cage. Meeting him had a lovely soporific effect. I like men. Big macho men who do their own stunts. I think I would get on very well with Jason Statham and Piers Brosnan. Both look good in a tuxedo like me. I also have a soft spot for Andrew Lloyd Webber because he speaks cat.
Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
The Bear, because he like me is triumph over tragedy. I think I would have an understanding
I was born in West Hollywood, California on a round bed with mirrors and velvet that once lived on a film set. My mother Slut was a young mother and didn't realise she was meant to open my birth sack. She didn't. My godmother Alison Hay had to birth me. I've always liked her for that. I had three sisters and one brother. One by one they left leaving just me and my mother. We lived in a big house with a big garden and then I had my accident, so I don't go out much now. We moved to a smaller house in West Hollywood where there are hummingbirds in the garden. I am writing my autobiography - To Kill A Hummingbird. More an instruction manual than a memoir.