Cat Knocks Other Cat Down A Loft Ladder

Cat-Related Thought Of The Day, 18.12.2011

If cats could speak, they'd probably do so in a low voice, not quite intelligible, but loud enough for you to know they'd insulted you.

The Ten Best Cat Clips Of 2011

10. CAT AND DOLPHIN MAKE FRIENDS


9. CATVERTISING


8. THRILLER CAT


7. CAT GETS CAUGHT BARKING LIKE A DOG


6. CAT RUINS PHILOSOPHY MONOLOGUE


5. CAT MAKES HUMAN OPEN TUPPERWARE


4. A CAT AND AN OWL SOD ABOUT


3. CAT BEATS UP CAT BALLOON


2. CAT STUFFS OTHER CAT IN BOX WHILE WEIRD MINI LION LOOKS ON


1. CATS TRY TO UNDERSTAND TREADMILL

Christopher Hitchens (RIP) On The Difference Between Dogs And Cats

“Owners of dogs will have noticed that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they will think you are god. Whereas owners of cats are compelled to realise that, if you provide them with food and water and shelter and affection, they draw the conclusion that they are gods.”

Twenty Cats Hating Christmas

Number 16 and 19 are especially great...

Guest Cat Of The Month For November: Biscuit, REAL LIFE Neighbour Of The Under The Paw Cats

Name
Miss Ginger Biscuit

Nicknames
Madam Sausage, Porkalina, Miss Pook, Alter Ego, the occasional appearance of Garibaldi Biscuit, a suspiciously good natured cat who appears and then disappears in the blink of an eye.

Theme Tune
Fat bottomed Girls

Age
At least 12

Owners
Deborah and David.

Catchphrase
"Tummy action! Ooh Juicy!"

Favourite Habits
Nipping ankles, eating, protest pooing, eating, emergency biscuit hoarding, eating, failing to climb trees, eating, lying down, ruining clothing, eating, ruining furniture, banging the door until the servants get up to feed me at 5 in the morning.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
An episode of Autumn Watch, following by a bit of piping (lying on the floor under which the central heating pipes run) to the tune of “Piping it, we’re piping it”. Licking the parmesan cheese left on plates when the servants aren’t looking, lifted into the sink for a drink from the dripping tap, and then hoisted onto the bed for snoozing.

Favourite food
Parmesan cheese, tuna (but it has to be in spring water), biscuit (obviously) and a tiny bit of cream to finish.

Defining moment of your life
Recovering from cat flu having been fed beef tea by a pipette in a steam filled room by my Mum – after which I became a dysfunctional prima donna.

Any enemies?
All other cats...in the world

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be?
Being able to communicate better with the idiots that look after us.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
I am the centre of the universe, and you are all here to serve me. I do not understand the concept of celebrity.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
Billy Bear aka The Bear. So I can sit on him.

Brief biography
Discovered in a Norwich garden, this very poorly kitten beat the cat flu odds and moved in with the sickeningly perfect Sefton T. Cat (sadly no longer with us) and has continued to grow for the next 12 years into the thing of rotund splendour we know and love today. Continues to terrorise Billy Bear, even though he only wants love.





Watch Biscuit in action here, here, here and here.

A Guide To The Many Tail Positions Of My Most Expressive Cat

Excerpted from Under The Paw.
Read the sequel, Talk To The Tail.