Guest Cat Of The Month For February: Lester (Like My Dad, He Speaks In Capitals, Dontcha Know?)

Name?
LESTER.

Nicknames?
THE PIE.

Age
10.

Owner(s)?
CHANTAL AND ROGER STOUGHTON.

Catchphrase?
I AM THE OBLONG CAT (IT PAYS TO BAFFLE YOUR ENEMIES WITH GNOMIC CLAP-TRAP).

Favourite habits?
GETTING LOCKED IN THE GARAGE; DESTROYING BOX FILES; SETTING UPON MY (TINY) SISTER UNTIL SHE BATS ME ROUND THE HEAD AND I GO OFF AND SULK; STARING AT PLACES WHERE A MOUSE ONCE HID IN CASE THAT IS HOW THEY ARE GENERATED.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
DINNER, FOLLOWED BY A STROLL IN THE GARDEN AND THEN OUT- OR INDOOR PLAY WITH THE HUMANS. THE STICK-AND-STRING TOY SEEMS TO BE A FAVOURITE. I WILL THEN LIE ON THE CARPET IN THE STANCE KNOW AS ‘BEACHED MAMMAL; MISCELLANEOUS’. IF THE FEMALE HUMAN PLAYS THE PIANO I WILL GET ON THE KEYBOARD AND EITHER PERFORM THE JAZZ CAT STOMP, OR FORCE A RENDITION OF ‘BOOGIE WOOGIE FOR LEFT HAND AND OBSTRUCTIVE MOGGIE’. IF I’M ALLOWED ON THE BED OVERNIGHT I WILL BRING MY DAY TO A PERFECT END WITH A 3AM SESSION OF FRENZIED PURRING, WHILE DOING A KIND OF MORRIS DANCE ON THE HUMANS’ CHESTS.

Favourite foods?
I NORMALLY DINE ON CAREFFULLY RATIONED DRIED FOOD, BUT I FAVOUR AN OCCASIONAL TIN OF TUNA-AND-PRAWN IMPERIALE AS BOTH SNACK AND FLOOR-DECORATING MEDIUM. I WOULD ALSO EAT PEANUTS AND TWIGLETS IF I COULD GET MY PAWS ON THEM (WHICH I CAN’T).

Defining moment of your life?
REALISING THAT GRAVITY IS NOT MY FRIEND IN THE TREE-CLIMBING STAKES. I TEND TO RUN FULL-PELT AT THE TREE, LAND A FOOT OR SO UP THE TRUNK, DIG CLAWS IN MADLY AND THEN FALL OFF BACKWARDS. I AM OTHERWISE VERY AGILE AND SPEEDY – YOU SHOULD SEE ME WITH THE DENTED PING-PONG BALL. OH YES.

Any enemies (including people, animals and objects)?
TIN FOIL; THE BIN MEN; AN IMOGEN HEAP SONG THAT FRIGHTENED ME SO MUCH THE FEMALE HUMAN HAS NEVER PLAYED IT AGAIN.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
OBLIGE ALL CHEEKY PIGEONS WHO OFFER DERISION TO ASCENT-CHALLENGED CATS TO HAVE THEIR WINGS CLIPPED. THEN WE’LL SEE.

If you could meet one celebrity, who would it be and why?
TOM BAKER BECAUSE HE LOOKS THE SORT THAT MIGHT HAVE CAT TREATS SOMEWHERE ON HIS PERSON.

Which One Of The Cats In Under The Paw would you most like to be stuck in a tiny feline lift with?
THE BEAR BECAUSE HE’S A CLAN CHIEF LIKE ME (THE MCDONALD; THE BEAR; THE PIE), AND RALPH BECAUSE US SPECTACULARLY HANDSOME TABBIES SHOULD STICK TOGETHER.