Tuesday, 15 March 2011

This Cat Food Will Bankrupt Me




It's now over a month since my cat Janet died. In that time, there have been three main developments for my remaining felines, Ralph, Shipley and The Bear. Shipley has gone from calling me a "f*&$%%£%£ &@****^£" 48 times a day to calling me one 76 times a day. A mangy stray has been coming around, talking trash at the three of them, and pissing on my blackboard while I'm asleep. Thirdly, all four of them - I'm including the stray here, as it seems to turn up whenever it's feeding time - have become addicted to Applaws (also known as Encore in some supermarkets), a cat food apparently so similar to human food that, when I first saw it, whilst writing a piece on the 1997 Supreme Cat Show for the Daily Telegraph, its chef demonstrated how good it was by eating some himself.

The problem is perhaps that these new occurrences in my cats' daily lives are feeding off one another, inexorably. When Shipley swears, I feel bad that he has lost his old fluffy playmate, and give him more Applaws. When I give him more Applaws, he swears more, because he knows it gets him more Applaws. When I give him more Applaws, the stray cat turns up, thinking it might get some Applaws, then pissing on my blackboard, talking its street slang at my cats and passing on its conjunctivitis to them out of dissatisfaction. When the stray cat pisses on my blackboard, talks its street slang at my cats and passes on its conjunctivitis to them, I feed them more Applaws, to make them feel better. It's a vicious circle, and I can only see it ending one way: with me selling my body in one of Norwich's less salubrious night spots, in order for all five of us to carry on like this. It sounds grim, sure, but it's important to put things in perspective: everyone's struggling in the current economic climate, and needs must. Besides, I once had to do a pole dancing class for an article in a women's magazine, and it's about time I put what I learned to good use.

I suppose the other option is that I try a bit of tough love: ration The Bear, Shipley and Ralph to two or three tins of Applaws between them a day. But it's easier said than done. If I ignore Shipley calling me a "w*** p***et" at the top of his voice, I then also have to ignore Ralph doing that beaming "I'm so pleased to be me - revel in my glory, now!" face on the other side of the kitchen, and The Bear nodding in the direction of the food cupboard whilst looking soulfully into my eyes in the way only he can. I currently have a large puncture wound in my ankle, merely from delaying breakfast until 10am this morning. But if Shipley can do that to a digit, why can't he keep the stray away? I like to think it's because he's still adjusting to a reshifting of roles since Janet - always the defender of the realm against alien cats - passed away, or that he's worried about what he might catch from the stray in a potential battle, but recent evidence suggests otherwise. The stray turned up last night, and, as Shipley stayed inside, presumably because he needed to sort out his side-parting, I got a first proper glimpse of the phantom beast which I'd imagined as huge, and peppered with festering body sores, and which, in the past, I'd only seen as a flash of retreating ginger. It was the size of a small cushion, and looked like it had just got back from a weekend away at a high class spa overseen by a gay ferret.

15 comments:

Elly said...

I never knew till now just how much cat related bloggery there is on the internet. It is almost as bad as the amount of feminist blogs there are.

In fact, some feminist bloggers seem to like showing pictures of their cats as well, which just is TOO MUCH.

(also - cats plus feminism = lesbian)

Er. This isn't a complaint. It is an observation.

But if you ever write about cupcakes I will despair.

Rachel (mogstogs) said...

Do they only eat the Applaws tins and nothing else? Just that Applaws and Encore wet food is not complete which means they need to be eating something else as well to get all the nutrients they need. The Applaws/Encore biscuits ARE complete btw.
Boring feline nutrition bit over!
Ours love Applaws too but I am too tight to buy it for them...

Tom said...

No, they always get biscuits as well.

Tina said...

I've never heard of the stuff.......but now, thanks to you........I'm forced to seek some out!
Please put a bl**dy warning when talking about scrumptious cat food. Tikka & Norman were reading this over my shoulder!

Sarah said...

I stupidly let my two try Applaws. Now I'm having real trouble moving them onto the more affordable and complete food, Bozita.
I've failed as a human slave apparently, or so they keep telling me.

Nic's Notebook said...

Oh no I daren't get this for my lot to try! I started giving them some more Felix ASAIL in the evening as well as the morning, and now they want it all the time. But I'm staying strong and giving them their boring dry food as well lol..! PS - Glad you have kind of adopted a stray - what's it's name?!!

Sarah said...

Nic, Felix AGAIL is a pretty rubbish cat food... :( I'm a bit of a cat food obsessive... done lots of research like a saddo.

Julie said...

Count yourself lucky, when 'our' stray (he is sort of already adopted by the family across the road, but not enough to neuter him)comes in and sprays/pisses on something my three males and one female (all neutered) all follow suit to overlay their scents. I'm putting the fact the other two females don't bother down to the fact they are usually out disembowelling mice rather than any inherent politeness on their part.

Esselhaych said...

Why have you got a blackboard? Did I miss that bit somewhere?

Helen Griffiths said...

Mine used to like Applaws, and Almo nature (ordered from Zooplus).. I was happy for her to have them as she only has a small appetite, so along with Hills and Iceland's or Asda's white fish she only had one can a day, or every other day. But as with every single wet cat food she has gone off them! So now I have a cupboard full of the little cans, sitting there collecting dust, while I pay off my second mortgage they had me take out, and she's on a phase of liking Whiska's new steamed fish range :-)

Helen Griffiths said...

Ps. I just got a really cool cat shaped black board for my birthday present..unfortunately I think i've ruined it by using a chalk pen on it and wiping it off with a wet cloth..and then reading the instructions say it should be a dry cloth :-(

Myriam said...

can't get Applaws in Australia, but the most expensive supermarket tinned food here is Fancy Feast Royale - which the cats love... all tuna varieties... must say since they are indoor cats and I am constantly cleaning up poo from the litter, I have noticed Fancy Feast Royale creates better formed poo, than say Whiskas or other cheap brands which cause diarrhea. FF Royale is about $1.50 per can, but I wait until they're on special for $1 each.

mariel said...

And exactly which less salubrious night spot would that be?! Please please tell me you don't mean Mercy...shudder!

Elly said...

sorry about that cat/feminist/lesbian rant I don't know what came over me.

But I am interested in how the internet seems to love cats so much they have become one of the key memes of our age. It seems an amazing achievement in a way. Also a bit sad - reducing those live independent creatures into such flat screen things as lolcats and the Daily Mail kitten-blocking scheme.

Genine said...

Another Aussie here - and yes, I have a cat that is addicted to Fancy Feast. My other two cats however, are not overly keen on tinned cat food and vastly prefer the VIP cat meat. I tried to get them off it because I don't enjoy cutting the little packs open and getting blood on me but they have looong memories and staged a protest until I went back to it.