Guest Writer's Cat Of The Week: Boots

Name? 

Boots

Nicknames? 

Horrid, That Bloody Cat, Chairman Miaow

Theme Tune? 

Verdi: Requiem Dies Irae

Age? 

Uncertain. 

Owners?

Marianne Levy and her husband-to-be Rob. Marianne did not reveal my existence on her first date with Rob, something he occasionally mentions, usually after I’ve ruined one of his jumpers.

Brief Biography?

I skipped tender kittenhood, instead springing into the world fully formed and utterly evil.  My early years are hidden in mystery, but it is known that my wicked nature so affronted my first family that they threw me onto the street. Luckily, chance led me to the household of the pushover children’s author Marianne Levy, where all bow before my Terrible Claws. 

A few events of particular note – I once swallowed a needle and held it in my throat, undetected, for a full five days. Ah, the vet’s face when, on my third visit, I coughed it triumphantly on to the table! And let us not forget the occasion when, in events that have never been fully explained, I gave a veterinary nurse a sprained leg. Then there was the time my head enlarged overnight, before bursting the following morning in a glorious shower of hot pus. Happy days!

Catchphrase? 

**** off

Favourite Habits? 

Marianne often finds me making passionate love to her cushions.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you? 

I am a cat of great heft and possess a correspondingly vigorous appetite. My ideal evening would involve a meal every twenty minutes or so, and perhaps a game of ‘claw the most expensive piece of furniture in the room’ or a few rounds of ‘bite Marianne until I taste blood’.

Favourite food?

If ever I deviate from my diet of Very Expensive Cat Food by even a single mouthful, I will vomit with lavish and spectacular abandon. And I deviate a lot.

Defining moment of your life? 

Marianne was delighted to get a call saying Egmont wanted to publish her children’s series, the ‘Ellie May’ books. So, naturally, I chose to ruin the moment with a dramatic collapse from an indigestible hairball.

Any enemies? 

All humanity.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be? 

I loathe other felines, so can only envisage making the world a better place for myself. An armoured tank might be nice, with specially adapted controls. And nuclear missiles.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why? 

Donald Trump. We’re both dreadful, and we’re both thinning around the ears.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with? 

I would take great pleasure in reducing The Bear to a sad-eyed pulp. 

Marianne Levy’s new children’s book ‘Ellie May Is Totally Happy To Share Her Place In The Spotlight’ is out on 1^st April  - order it here, or in any independent bookshop. Her website is www.mariannelevy.com.

Guest Literary Cat Of The Week: Augustus, Owner Of Novelist Alexander McCall Smith

Name? 

Augustus Basil Maitland-Weir

Nicknames? 

Augustus Basil or just Augustus if time is pressing.

Theme Tune? 

Generally ‘Soave sia il vento’ from Così fan Tutti, although it has been suggested that the Star Wars Imperial March matches my stride better.

Age? 

I'm slightly wary of cats who will tell you their age, they are inclined to tell you anything. Never a good thing.

Owners? 

The writer Alexander McCall Smith lives with me. We share an office.

Brief biography? 
I decided to make the career change from pedigree Tonkinese to literary advisor six years ago. Joining the McCall Smith household has been very rewarding but I think my best work is ahead of me, particularly when I can persuade Alexander that a series based around a cat would be a good idea.

Catchphrase? 

‘97% is just fine’. Grace Makutsi from The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency knows what I mean.

Favourite Habits? 

Choosing gifts for fellow residents (art is always a good bet). Making my paw print on whatever Alexander is writing at the time. Tripping people up, preferably on the stairs, and tap-dancing. On keyboards. 

What constitutes a perfect evening for you? 

Some light exercise in the form of tripping people up before jumping up the chimney if I'm in Edinburgh, or inspecting the boundaries/surveying my kingdom from a wall if in Argyll. 

Favourite food? 

Freshly-caught fish. I am a cat of simple tastes.

Defining moment of your life? 

Taking to the high seas for the first time (I have my own life jacket). Travelling near fresh fish without having to move is exhilarating.

Any enemies? 

The dogs Alexander writes about in his books - Freddie de la Hay from Corduroy Mansions and Cyril from 44 Scotland Street. He should include more cats in his work. Squirrels.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines what would it be? 

Fewer dogs. More steps to trip humans up on. Thumbs for all. And an endless supply of fresh fish.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why? 

WH Auden. Alexander is such a fan I'm intrigued. I find poetry quite tiring, personally.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail  would you like to be stuck in a lift with? 

The Bear. He is obviously one of the finest cats of his generation with a taste for the better things in life. I share his stoical general disappointment with the world.

Alexander McCall Smith's new book Trains And Lovers is published by Polygon.

(Photo of Alexander and Augustus by Chris Wyatt.)