Wednesday, 29 September 2010

Some Norfolk Cows: An Encounter



Cows were like, "What are you doing in our field?". And I was like, "Well, it's actually a public footpath. I saw the sign." And cows were like, "Oh no you didn't." And I was like, "No, honestly, I did. Plus, it says so, right here, in my AA Guide To Norfolk Walks, right where it advises me to 'strike out across a field' in that overexcitable language that the authors of these things sometimes tend to use, to break the monotony of having to write the word 'waypost' seventy times a day." And cows were like, "Well, you can cock off if you think you're striking out across our field." And I was like, "Just watch me. I'm striking." And cows were like, "Well, just watch us. We're running, and charging at you." And I was like, "Okay, I'm in no rush. Maybe I can find a different way to head back in the direction of Long Stratton." And cows were like, "Yeah you can." And I was like, "No need to get nasty." And cows were like, "But we are nasty. Especially Geoff, on the far left. She's brown, and particularly big." And I was like, "What kind of idiot cow calls itself Geoff." And cows were like, "Geoff. That's who. Don't mess with her. Look. She's just done a massive shit. In public. That's how much of a mad bastard she is." And I was like, "Look, I'm leaving." And they were like, "No, you're not leaving at all. You're passing very slowly around the edge of the field, giving the impression that you're leaving, yet actually working towards your original destination." And I was like, "Yeah I am. What you gonna do about it?" And cows were like, "Well, nothing, actually. For reasons only known to ourselves, if that, we find that sort of movement less of a concern." And then all fourteen of us resumed the business of our day, without further debate.

8 comments:

Tam said...

Cows are hardcore, there's no two ways about it. They come across as lazy and docile (unless you try striking out across their patch, as you discovered) and then all the old grievances about the milk and Matrix coats come flooding back. And when you think about it, any animal with four stomachs bubbling away in there has got to be a seething mass of untapped indigestion. You did right in backing away; things could have got very messy with, especially with Geoff's poo thrown in the mix.

The Girl said...

The use of the phrase "cock off" just made me snort at my desk.

Tam said...

Erm, has Geoff spontaneously changed gender? I'm sure she was a he when I read this earlier; thought it was only snails that did that...

Tom said...

No, Geoff was always a she, much as she seems to wish otherwise. I pressed "publish" a little overenthusiastically before, prior to completion of the editing process.

jmuhj said...

There's a series of ads here that feature a male Nordic type working at a call center, who answers to "Peggy". Relation to these bovines, ya think?

Teri and the cats of Furrydance said...

Reminds me of a 'Far Side' cartoon...just a part of it, really what we and cows think?

Tracy Levine said...

that was pretty darn funny

Julie said...

I'd advise being careful trying to cross a field full of sheep, too. Especially if it's around the time they expect to see the farmer with their food. A whole herd of sheep bunched together and stampeding towards you can be very disturbing. -And yes, I know the correct collective noun for sheep is 'flock', but flock sounds all pastoral and snuggly and believe me, when they are massed and advancing on you at speed the word 'herd' seems much more appropriate. (Though not as appropriate as the word 'RUN').