Tuesday, 3 August 2010

HOW TO MEDICATE AN INTELLECTUALLY CHALLENGED CAT: INSTRUCTIONS FOR HOUSESITTERS


1. Clear space on kitchen work surface. Scan surface for sharp or burning objects, keeping in mind The Time Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend Set Fire To His Tail By Walking Too Close To A Candle. Arrange food dishes and remove two pills from jar priced erroneously and unfairly excitingly on Internet at “50p for 30!” (actual price: 50p each).

2. Call cats, using special patented Tomwhistle.

3. Place pouches of meaty slop on kitchen counter, carefully avoiding three year-old packets of Felix As Good As It Looks (aka As Bad As It Smells) at rear of food drawer. Dispense meaty slop.

4. Throw Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall off kitchen counter with one hand, whilst using other hand to carefully place two pink pills inside one dish of meaty slop. If possible, try to insert pills into meaty chunks themselves, rather than just into jelly. Whilst doing this, try not to dwell overly on substance concerned. Think of it this way: yes, it smells, but if you really thought about an egg or some milk, you probably wouldn’t want to go near that either.

5. Wash hands, thoroughly.

6. Dive across kitchen, just in time to remove face of Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall from pilled dish of meaty slop.

7. Whilst looking the other way and pretending to be occupied, quickly swoop down and pick up Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend. Pick up pilled dish of meaty slop, and place cat and slop in adjacent room.

8. Remove face of Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall from bottom of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, and close door, firmly.

9. Feed remaining five cats. For full instructions on feeding, refer to How To Feed Six Sodding Cats: Instructions For Housesitters (Under The Paw, Simon And Schuster, 2008).

10. Open door of adjacent room, and release Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend back into kitchen. Collect leftover pills from Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend’s now otherwise empty bowl, and place on kitchen counter.

11. Chase Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend downstairs, maintaining enough speed not to lose sight of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, but not so much speed that Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend runs out of catflap in fear.

12. Carefully circle Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, feigning great interest in object in entirely opposite direction from Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

13. At the count of three (please note: counting should be done purely in own head), dive at Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

14. Pick self up off floor, ignoring disdainful looks of suddenly appearing Sensitive Artistic Secret Warlord Cat. Sit down in Formerly Sumptuously Restored 1970s Armchair Now Permanently Jealously Overseen By Attention Seeking Grey Dwarf Cat. Relax and clear mind of feline-related thoughts, being sure to avail self of film collection on adjacent shelf. Please note: for purposes of continued mind-clearing, best to avoid ‘The Complete Bagpuss’ DVD.

15. Wait ten minutes, then return upstairs. Call cats, using special patented Tomwhistle.

16. Throw Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall off kitchen counter.

17. Gingerly creep downstairs, gently calling Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

18. Pick Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend’s claw out of back, having not realised that, while you were heading downstairs, looking for Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend was above you, playing a game of “Prison” (aka ‘Use Bars Of Balustrade As Protection Whilst Violently Batting Soft Parts Of Passing Unsuspecting Humans’).

19. Open fridge, and retrieve Tesco Finest Honey Roast Ham from minus one drawer. Place on kitchen counter.

20. Open cat food drawer, and keep Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend’s interest by rustling sachet of meaty slop.

21. Take Tesco Finest Honey Roast Ham to pills. Realise “pills” is now in fact “pill”.

22. Pick up Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall and notice telltale pink smear around mouth of Intellectually Challenged Cat Resembling TV Food Enthusiast Hugh Fernley-Whittingstall.

23. Wash hands, thoroughly.

24. Secrete remaining pill inside sheet of Tesco Finest Honey Roast Ham, creating pill sandwich. Step boldly towards Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend and sweep Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend off floor, then feed pill sandwich to Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

25. Witness small, girlish meow, and realise that, in attempting to follow How To Feed Six Sodding Cats instructions, one cat, Prettyboy Tabby Cat, was omitted from melee.

26. Place Prettyboy Tabby Cat on Strange Plastic Grandma Stool, with dish of meaty slop.

27. Watch Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend begin to convulse in corner of room.

28. Grab kitchen roll and dive, belatedly, in direction of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

29. Cautiously examine effluence of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend, finding no pink pill.

30. Double bag effluence of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend and place in dustbin.

31. Sigh, and wash hands, thoroughly. Spot pink pill – now quarter of former size - stuck to trouser leg.

32. Repair to fridge, retrieve butter, and firmly cut off thumb-sized knob. Place pill inside knob.

33. Repair to bathroom, and grab clean towel from rack.

34. Sweep Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend off floor, harshly curtailing second game of “Prison” in ten minutes, and swaddle Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend in towel.

35. Insert buttered pill between Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend’s mouth, and gently but firmly clamp shut.

36. Wait ninety seconds, gently rubbing throat of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.
37. Watch as pink and yellow liquid oozes from mouth of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

38. Place Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend on floor.

39. Open fridge, retrieving remainder of Tesco Finest Honey Roast Ham, chicken curry leftovers, spare ribs and kabano sausages (six pack). Open all packaging, and place on floor.

40. Pick up coat and bag. Wipe hands on corduroy jacket belonging to male owner of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend.

41. Exit house, posting spare keys through letterbox.

42. Receive phone call from owners of Intellectually Challenged Fluffy Cat Resembling Rock Musician Pete Townshend. Answer in high-pitched voice of elderly lady called Joan, from Fife, and profess ignorance of any subject mentioned. When subject of cats comes up, begin to talk about son’s upcoming rowing final. Please note: if actually called Joan, elderly, with rowing champion son, and from Fife in real life, choose different identity.

43. Call phone company and request new numbers.

44. Write note to self on hand: “Locksmith?”.

45. Pour large glass of wine, and run bath.

46. Rummage in bottom of bag, and find bath bomb, bought from popular natural cosmetic company and summarily forgotten about two weeks previously.

47. Gently crumble and add bath bomb to warm, flowing water, savouring aroma.

48. Light candle.

49. Relax into suds, feeling physically and spiritually cleansed, and looking boldly towards future.



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5 comments:

jmuhj said...

After all that, how rude to say simply, "MOL". ;O

Anonymous said...

I know feeding pills to cats is frustrating and time consuming... what I have found works is cutting up the pill into smaller pieces then coating it in vegemite.

Our cats at home love the salty goodness of vegemite and will easily down the pill smeared with it. they will even bite through the pill and swallow... amazing!

you could try marmite or promite if you can't easily get vegemite in the uk supermarket... but aussie brands are good for this purpose :)

they'll even lick it off a spoon (don't fill the whole teaspoon with it, but a small dip into the jar will suffice)

it's like a treat for my furballs

myriam

Sarah said...

I love you, Janet. Never stop being pleasantly stupid.

Dorothy Sims-Crumpet said...

Relax into suds? Late-lamented cat would take this opportunity to sit on the side of the bath and dip his tail into the water. Then look at me with an angry expression,
"Now look what you've done"
and flick water into my eyes.
One current cat likes to wait until I'm in the bath before using her litter tray, thus over-powering the smell of Lush toiletries (yes, it IS possible. The other one waits til I'm in the bath to demand to be let out, in or anywhere that involves shouting at the top of her voice. Both are able to throw open the bathroom door at will because health considerations don't allow me to lock it!

Renae said...

I'm beginning to understand why no one ever wants to house-sit for me....