Thursday, 16 August 2007

How To Feed Six Sodding Cats: Instructions For Housesitters
















1. Take five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and arrange them on plastic trays on kitchen worktop.

2. Bat Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat off worktop with elbow, whilst using phrase involving the word “cretin”.

3. Whistle loudly, using special Tomwhistle.

4. Open kitchen drawer and reach for two sachets of Felix Meat Selection In Jelly. DO NOT use Felix ‘As Good As It Looks’ sachets mouldering in rear of drawer.

5. Bat Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat out of drawer with forearm. Show Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat tiny space between thumb and forefinger, explaining to him that he has “that much talent”.

6. Simultaneously Remove Obnoxious Noisy Black Cat from Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s face and Grey Dwarf Cat from Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s bottom.

7. Gently greet Prettyboy Tabby Cat in unthreatening girly voice, in an attempt not to hurt Prettyboy Tabby Cat’s increasingly delicate self-esteem.

8. Open sachets of Felix Meat Selection In Jelly and distribute evenly between five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

9. Bat Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat off worktop with elbow, whilst mocking Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s habit of leaving his tongue out and needling him about childhood traumas.

10. Empty and refill Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser, removing soggy biscuits from plughole.
 
11. Forcefully remove Obnoxious Yappy Black Cat from kitchen work surface.

12. Whistle loudly, using special Tomwhistle.

13. Remove Fluffy Dumb Black Cat’s claw from leg.

14. Call name of Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat out window, being careful to direct voice in way that will not irritate neighbours, or make passers-by think that the phrase “The Bear!” could mean that there is actual bear roaming South Norfolk streets.

15. Begin to place five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish at evenly spaced intervals across kitchen floor, being careful not to squish too close to kickboards for fear of “fast-dried gribbly bits syndrome”.

16. Chase down stairs after Prettyboy Tabby Cat, attempting to convince Prettyboy Tabby Cat that just because Grey Dwarf Cat has hissed at Prettyboy Tabby Cat, it is no reason not to eat.

17. Return Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat to original dish, clearing space for Prettyboy Tabby Cat.
 
18. Return Grey Dwarf Cat to original dish, clearing space for Fluffy Dumb Black Cat.

19. Form human shield between Obnoxious Yappy Black Cat, Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat and Grey Dwarf Cat and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

20. Place Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat in front of Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

21. Watch as Troubled Sensitive Warlord Black Cat looks up, deep into eyes, with a “What? You want me to eat this shit?” face.

22. Place Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat on kitchen work surface together, gently ushering Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat towards meaty jellied chunks until Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat begins to take tentative licks at meaty jellied chunks.

23. Re-fill Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser, after removing Fluffy Dumb Black Cat puke from Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser’s central reservoir.

24. Return meaty jellied chunks from kitchen work surface to Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish whilst making gentle encouraging noises at Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat.

25. Bat Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat off worktop with elbow, vocally noting Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s Resemblance to a recently lobotomised feline Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

26. Chase down stairs after Prettyboy Tabby Cat, attempting to convince Prettyboy Tabby Cat that just because Grey Dwarf Cat has hissed at Prettyboy Tabby Cat, it is no reason not to eat.

27. Quickly place kitchen roll under Fluffy Dumb Black Cat’s mouth, as Fluffy Dumb Black Cat begins to re-enact the video to ‘Street Dance’. Use other hand to move retreating Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat out of line of fire.

28. Use Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s in-built waste-disposal mechanism on Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and surrounding environs, whilst retracting all previous references involving the phrases “cretin” and “Bennie from Crossroads”.

29. Use Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s in-built waste-disposal mechanism on other bowls to prevent “fast-dried gribbly bit syndrome”.

30. Open drawer for teabag and mug.

31. Gentle remove Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat from drawer.

32. Wipe stray jellified chunk from tea mug.

33. Wipe stray jellified chunk from underarm, but not before using to gain spurious cupboard love from Grey Dwarf Cat.

34. Hold teabag in front of Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s face, asking, in increasingly frantic tones, “You want this? You want this? Huh?”.

35. Repeat every ten-twelve hours.

Extracted from Under The Paw: Confessions Of A Cat Man.

Read the sequel Talk To The Tail: Adventures In Cat Ownership And Beyond.

9 comments:

Reevyd said...

Loved your blog. I too have six cats and the feeding schedule is so similar. We also have a sensitive tabby male. Even walking by him when he's eating puts him off. We have a 7 toed massive grey diabetic tabby that hoovers up food so we are on constant bowl watch lest the other cats go hungry. He just stares at the others and they give up their food and then watch him eating it. Dumb.

Derdru said...

Lol....I laughed so much at your blog....I could just see it all happening....
I only have one cat who is just 5 months old, but I have 2 dogs a German Shepherd and a Dalmation....I have to stand guard over them at feeding time too as the Dalmation is a garbage disposal unit....When she finishes her feed she will stand in front of the German Shepherd who immediately leaves his dish to her( If allowed )...She will then proceed to the cat's dish to polish off anything left there!!!...

Helen said...

Hilarious!! You only do this procedure twice a day. What about in between meals. I have to avoid eye contact with my lot other wise they think its foreplay for food.

I have to 'police' them so they don't start eating from each others bowls . 'You've all got the same!' I shout but they don't believe me.
Helen

pearlycarole said...

Loved your blog - can so empathise tho' I only have two cats, one of them is another sensitive tabby, can't do anything in the kitchen whilst she's eating.........I go for the easy option of them eating in separate rooms, as the greedy ginger female terrorises the tabby, she'll hide at the bottom of the stairs and leap out at her, or lick her soothingly and when tabby is in false state of security, sharply bite her ear and needlesstosay greedy ginger would scoff all the food before the tabby could daintily sniff at it!

librarian said...

Oh yes. Having had a succession of rescue cats plus the occasional "fashion accessory" (ie a pedigree)I have been through all of this - altho my maximum number of cats was 4 plus one of them's 4 kittens. Down to 2 and 1 dog now.
Barney the loud bossy British short hair will hoover down everything in sight and stare down the Siamese (rescued AND a pedigree !!)until the sensitive elderly soul(Lucy) slinks off looking hounded, then he hoovers up her food. And of course there is Frankie, who lives over the road where he presumably gets fed - which doesn't stop him coming to me 3 times a day for a "snack".

beth boal said...

I had the same issue when calling my cat-that-came-with-the-house cat for dinner. His name is Thug. So I'd be on the back deck or front porch yelling "here Thug, where are you Thug?"

Ironically, one morning after calling Thug, I went back inside, looked out my back window and saw a young thug (human) climb my 6' fence into my yard and run up the driveway to the street.

At first I assumed he was long gone, but decided to call the police anyway. With dogs, they found him hiding under my back deck...

I guess that's what I get for yelling "here Thug" from my front porch...

jmuhj said...

AWWWW. Just...AWWWWWW.

Elen said...

Now why does this feel so familiar ??? Gingers (I adore gingers) are always this way :-)

Natalie said...

Words can't express how much I love this. Except maybe: I LOVE THIS. Hmm, that seems to get the gist.

The exception that proves the rule? My ginger cat - much missed - was the smartest cat I've ever known, and he's had some stiff competition, so perhaps he was an anomaly. But a supremer credit to the gingercat race was Mr Mephisto - not that that made feeding time any easier. He'd forehead-slap Beautiful Black Ladycat and Ridiculously Handsome Thick-As-A-Plank Black Mancat into submission if they dared get in his way. Black Ladycat got hissy and would take sideswipes when Gingerlord's back was turned, Black Mancat hit back directly...sort of, with a completely ineffectual flailing of paws. And so Slappies, the Dinner Ritual, was born.

Not gonna lie - the humans pretty much loved it.