Cat Lift

My Latest Column For The Cat Magazine

The latest issue of Cats Protection's quarterly magazine,
The Cat, is out now, including my regular column. Ralph seems to approve, but is living in a dreamworld if he thinks he can think the arse of that tabby on the cover.

Buy Under The Paw with 40% off the cover price.

Extra Celebrity Guest Cat Of The Month: Fatty

Name?
My PROPER name is Salem, but they all call me Fatty. Yes, the vet advised me to lose a little weight when I was younger, but that was only kitten-fat and it’s all just my voluminous belly fur now. Fur, I tell you.

Nicknames?
Creature. Pudden. Pud. Puskin. Boody. Munchkin. Pusk. Fusker. Fatster. Fatso. Etc. (that’s not a nickname)

Age?
9-ish but I don’t look a day over 4. Especially when I go to sleep with the tip of my cute pink tongue sticking out.

Owner?
Fiona.

Catchphrase?
Brrrrreum? (this translates as ‘I want food/letting out/letting in/picking up/I don’t know what I want but I feel vaguely dissatisfied with life and want you to come downstairs and ask me what’s wrong’ – repeat until achieve desired result).

Favourite habits?
Lying on open newspapers, accurately targeting the article that is currently being read. Beating up my sister who looks at me funny. Interrupting HER meditation and getting HER to stroke me before the timer goes. Lying flat on my back with my belly up and four paws in the air. Don’t touch my stomach!

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Catching and eating a small creature whole (but leaving that organ that tastes horrible) before curling up on HER lap, listening to Nick Drake and falling asleep to dream of eating small creatures and eating them whole (but leaving that organ that tastes horrible).

Favourite food?
Anything that makes a vegetarian’s stomach turn, especially tuna. (My sister goes mad for fudge).

Defining moment of your life?
Having a poem written about me.

Any enemies?
That mean white farm cat who keeps making me bleed. I think he was cross-bred with a puma or something.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Abolishing cat biscuits for breakfast, even if SHE does think meat smells disgusting in the mornings. Or maybe abolishing nylon – I can’t bear the feeling of synthetic fibres underneath my paws.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Jabba The Hut. I’m told I’m the spitting image of him when I sit back and wash my lower belly.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
The Bear. I think we could be mates.

Brief biography?
A successful early career as cutest kitten. Further cuteness success when I pat HER on the hand whilst she’s typing to encourage stroking, or put a paw around HER arm for a proper cathug. Less success in cat fights – even when I did leap ninja-like into the air above a ditch with my former nemesis – but I still think I’m the hardest. Currently curled into a ball with my catnip mouse.

For more info about the writing of Fatty's human, visit www.fionarobyn.com.

Funny. Especially if you prefer cats to dogs. Even more so, perhaps, if you're American...

Random Selection From The Cat Dictionary

Setting A Pissident
To urinate in a completely new and innovative place, instigating a trend for such action amongst your fellow felines. Born leaders but also kind of snotty, cats who set a pissident know that their originality comes at a price, and, upon seeing others follow lamely in their wake, can often be heard to mutter comments like "here come the mindless vultures, picking over the corpse of my brilliance" and "now I know how The Beatles must have felt when they heard the Marmalade's cover of Ob-La-Di, Ob-La-Da."

More From Cat-Loving Engineers: Now With Lazers

Random Excerpt From A Bad Cat Owner's Diary

16.2.2010
Walked across kitchen. Accidentally knocked pillowcase off radiator. Pillowcase fell onto most dignified cat, giving appearance of superheroesque "bumcape". Most dignified cat walked across kitchen, visibly less dignified. Pillowcase stayed in place, despite efforts of most dignified cat. Confession: did not rush to retrieve pillowcase.