The Cat With Seventeen Lives

A Guardian column about The Bear.

Cat Troublemaker

The Knack... And How To Get It

When announcing that it's dinner time for my cats, I've always felt that a simple high-note, low-note whistle gets the job done most effectively. It's simple, saves me having to embarrass myself in front of neighbourhood ruffians by calling six faintly ridiculous names in a soppy voice out of the back door, and, after more than three decades, I can up its volume impressively at will (or perhaps not so impressively, if you are one of the women who play bridge at the Conservative Club nextdoor). However, I recently decided it was time for a change, so, for the forseeable future, when feeding Shipley, Ralph, The Bear, Pablo, Bootsy and Janet, in place of the "somewhat overexposed and grating" (Whistle Monthly Magazine, 2004) Tomwhistle, I've decided to play my vinyl copy of 'Get The Knack', the 1979 album by The Knack - more specifically, their American number one single 'My Sharona'.

I can't explain quite how this started, other than to say one night I just happened to be listening to the song at jellied meatslop dispensing time, and its addictive, jerky (some would say spastic) rhythms seemed somehow highly appropriate to the whole manic process of feeding half a dozen manic furry forces of nature... particularly when Pablo misjudged a jump from a chair to the kitchen worksurface, and ended up divebombing unceremoniously into a shelf of cookery books.* There's also the fact that, if you're going to train your cats to come to the call of music, you've got more chance of doing it with a rudimentary three and a half-chord geek anthem than with something from the third Van Der Graaf Generator album.

I know that moggies have sensitive hearing, but I'm still not convinced of just how sensitive those same ears are to the nuances of power-pop melodies. A few years ago, when I lived nextdoor to a wannabe techno DJ noise pollutant, and his racket was at its most Satanic, Shipley, The Bear and Ralph often scuttled out of the house with their fur standing on end. That said, if you were to ask me whether, say, Pablo preferred The Romantics' 'What I Like About You' or Badfinger's 'No Matter What', I couldn't tell you. The early signs, though, are good. I've only been playing 'My Sharona' for about a week, but Dee reported that tonight, the second the opening chords kicked in, The Bear's ears pricked up, and within a few seconds he was ambling up the stairs (like Paul Cicero in Goodfellas, The Bear don't move for no-one). It's hard to tell just how well they're responding, since all six of them are permanently hungry at the moment (Dee claims this is because they are "making sure they're well-upholstered for winter", I claim it is because they are increasingly indolent and spoiled), but I'm going to persevere, and report back on the experiment's progress in a month or two. By which time I will almost certainly be wishing I'd opted for 'Surrender' by Cheap Trick instead.**



* I probably should also point out that I was drunk at the time.

** Already, I'm getting a little too familiar with The Knack's underage girl-obsessed lyrics (in case 'Sharona' wasn't enough, just to make sure they got their point across they also put out an album called '... But The Little Girls Understand'). How did I not previously notice the full extent of how dodgy they were? "Such a dirty mind/always get it up for the touch of the younger kind". First my reworking of Foreigner's lascivious 'Hot Blooded' into 'Hot Tabby' for Ralph, now this. Is this really the kind of thing that innocent felines should be exposed to? The lusted-over Sharona in question, incidentally, now works as a successful realtor.


Images courtesy of Jason Bye.

MY BOOK, UNDER THE PAW: OUT NOW!

Well, it's actually officially published on Monday, but it's available now on amazon. Click HERE for more info.

Golf And Cats: The Way Forward

The late humourist Alan Coren was once informed that the only books that sell well are about cats, golf and the Nazis. Coren then went on to test this theory, in 1975, the year of my birth, by writing a book called Golfing For Cats, featuring a swastika on its cover. The book is well-known, but presumably never matched the combined sales of Meg And Mog, Nick Faldo's autobiography and Mein Kampf, since it is now out of print. Presumably it's very funny, but I'll be damned if I'm spending £40 plus for a copy on amazon marketplace.




I have yet, and am unlikely ever, to write a book about Nazis, but I have now written two books about golf, and one about cats. While I am still unconvinced about these two subjects' guaranteed commercial potential, I think it is possible that they are more comfortable literary bedfellows than they might at first seem. Granted, most people I know who like golf don't particularly like cats, but I have met plenty of cats on golf courses, and they always seem perfectly happy there. "Come on, Coxy, you soppy git!" shout my playing partners, as I tickle the tummy of the rolly-polly torty by the sixth tee and keep them waiting, but could it be that they are the ones missing out on an intrinsic part of a good walk spoiled? My Cats have popped up in both of my golf books - albeit usually only to urinate on my golf bag - and golf pops up in my new cat book. My last book featured a quote from PG Wodehouse about golf; this one features one from him about cats. When I visited the NEC Golf Show last November, the Supreme Cat Show was being held in the adjacent hall. Coincidence? I think not! In fact, it's quite possible that, in my previous writing, I have barely scratched the surface of the natural interface between two of the defining interests of my life.

At the moment, I'm starting work on a new book, in which neither golf nor cats are a major part of the narrative. After this aberration, I will be back on my true creative path. The list below represents just a selection of my future books about cats and golf. If it seems rather rigid, what can I say? When you have found your righteous road, you must follow it through unswervingly. And while my editors and agent may express concern for the lack of obvious Richard And Judy list potential within, I must retain the mindset of an artist, and not be swayed by the commercial concerns of others. (And, besides, I feel fairly confident that each title on it will at least sell better than my second book, Educating Peter.)

Around Ireland With A Fridge, A Moggy And A Putter (Simon And Schuster, 2012)
What happens when a thirtysomething author is bet by one of his golfing mates that he can't cart his decrepit evil genius cat The Bear, his putter and a fridge around the emerald isle? Upon drinking in a Dublin bar, where does one put their feline for safekeeping? What is the local rule on hairballs in bunkers? And what the piss does a fridge really have to do with all this? Find out in this "elegiac and coruscating" (Ok! Magazine) travelogue.

The Even Longer Tail (Simon And Schuster, 2014)
An analysis of how Internet culture, while ostensibly making cats and golf clubs more marginalised, has actually given the chance for the less traditionally popular cats and golf clubs (e.g. feral, one-eyed tabbies, rusty secondhand sets of Ping from 1991 with the 7-iron missing) to reach a wider, more appreciative audience.

Pusskerton In Lust (Jonathan Cape, 2017)
Meet Pusskerton, the cat world's first literary detective. When John Pusskerton - aka The Birdman Of Corton Heath Golf Club - wins his Saturday Fourball (not to mention the plaudits of the Lady Captain), he's set for a relaxing weekend away from the pressures of being a private eye in an unrealistically lush and bucolic part of Britain's home counties, but on the way home he makes a surprising discovery in the bushes by the eighteenth hole. Whose severed arm is it that he found there? Does this have anything to do with Sampson, his old golfing rival (and local pimp)? And what will happen when he crosses paths with the Lady Captain's husband. local Chief Constable John "The Whiskers" McGee? "An irresistible whodunnit and a perfect slice of Little England for that vast group of the population who love Miss Marple, PG Wodehouse's Golf Omnibus and Vicky Halls' Cat Confidential with an equal passion." - Farming Weekly.

After The Cat Fight (Barn Bird Books, 2021)
Adapted from the successful News Of The World column, an in-depth study of the events during and after the 2020 Ryder Cup, when the wives of the American team famously stormed onto the green, with their cats, before the European team had had chance to finish putting.

Scampi (Barn Bird Books, 2027)
Tom Cox journeys back to his childhood golf club to collect the memories of the aging members about Scampi, the overweight, long dead clubhouse cat. ""Rarely have I read anything quite so specific." - Golf World. "I didn't feel that I truly understood golf after reading this riveting aural history, but I felt that I had begun to understand Scampi: the things that made him love golf. The things that made him love cooked fish. The things that, ultimately, irrepressibly, made him him." - Your Cat Magazine.

The Cat Walkers (Mirror Mirror Vanity Publishing, 2031)
It's early morning on the Norfolk coast and all is quiet. But what's this coming over the horizon, through the dew? Twenty pompous men in plus fours! And what are those four-legged, slightly uncomfortable furry creatures at their feet? "I'd really thought it was only dogs that got walked on golf courses, but Tom Cox has enlightened me. He's really done his research here, spending time to find out just what motivates this extraordinary, obstinate subsect of golfing society." - Golf Club Secretary Magazine.

Pusskerton Back In Action (self-published, 2040)
Sipping his cup of evaporated milk in his chalet bungalow overlooking one of Britain's most picturesque rivers, Pusskerton finally feels at peace, but when an old friend turns up at the doorstep, brandishing a set of hickory shafted clubs, a mouse spleen, a severed human ear and a copy of Jack Nicklaus' Golf My Way, he realises that it is not quite yet time to put his crime fighting past behind him!

How To Feed Six Sodding Cats: Instructions For Housesitters

1. Take five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and arrange them on plastic trays on kitchen worktop.

2. Bat Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat off worktop with elbow, whilst using phrase involving the word “cretin”.

3. Whistle loudly, using special Tomwhistle.

4. Open kitchen drawer and reach for two sachets of Felix Meat Selection In Jelly. DO NOT use Felix ‘As Good As It Looks’ sachets mouldering in rear of drawer.

5. Bat Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat out of drawer with forearm. Show Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat tiny space between thumb and forefinger, explaining to him that he has “that much talent”.

6. Simultaneously Remove Obnoxious Noisy Black Cat from Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s face and Grey Dwarf Cat from Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s bottom.

7. Gently greet Prettyboy Tabby Cat in unthreatening girly voice, in an attempt not to hurt Prettyboy Tabby Cat’s increasingly delicate self-esteem.

8. Open sachets of Felix Meat Selection In Jelly and distribute evenly between five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

9. Bat Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat off worktop with elbow, whilst mocking Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s habit of leaving his tongue out and needling him about childhood traumas.

10. Empty and refill Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser, removing soggy biscuits from plughole.
 
11. Forcefully remove Obnoxious Yappy Black Cat from kitchen work surface.

12. Whistle loudly, using special Tomwhistle.

13. Remove Fluffy Dumb Black Cat’s claw from leg.

14. Call name of Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat out window, being careful to direct voice in way that will not irritate neighbours, or make passers-by think that the phrase “The Bear!” could mean that there is actual bear roaming South Norfolk streets.

15. Begin to place five porcelain bowls and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish at evenly spaced intervals across kitchen floor, being careful not to squish too close to kickboards for fear of “fast-dried gribbly bits syndrome”.

16. Chase down stairs after Prettyboy Tabby Cat, attempting to convince Prettyboy Tabby Cat that just because Grey Dwarf Cat has hissed at Prettyboy Tabby Cat, it is no reason not to eat.

17. Return Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat to original dish, clearing space for Prettyboy Tabby Cat.
 
18. Return Grey Dwarf Cat to original dish, clearing space for Fluffy Dumb Black Cat.

19. Form human shield between Obnoxious Yappy Black Cat, Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat and Grey Dwarf Cat and Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

20. Place Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat in front of Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish.

21. Watch as Troubled Sensitive Warlord Black Cat looks up, deep into eyes, with a “What? You want me to eat this shit?” face.

22. Place Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat on kitchen work surface together, gently ushering Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat towards meaty jellied chunks until Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat begins to take tentative licks at meaty jellied chunks.

23. Re-fill Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser, after removing Fluffy Dumb Black Cat puke from Strangely Named Plastic Water Dispenser’s central reservoir.

24. Return meaty jellied chunks from kitchen work surface to Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish whilst making gentle encouraging noises at Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat.

25. Bat Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat off worktop with elbow, vocally noting Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s Resemblance to a recently lobotomised feline Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall.

26. Chase down stairs after Prettyboy Tabby Cat, attempting to convince Prettyboy Tabby Cat that just because Grey Dwarf Cat has hissed at Prettyboy Tabby Cat, it is no reason not to eat.

27. Quickly place kitchen roll under Fluffy Dumb Black Cat’s mouth, as Fluffy Dumb Black Cat begins to re-enact the video to ‘Street Dance’. Use other hand to move retreating Troubled Sensitive Artistic Warlord Black Cat out of line of fire.

28. Use Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s in-built waste-disposal mechanism on Free Sideless Entirely Pointless Curvy Purina One Plastic Dish and surrounding environs, whilst retracting all previous references involving the phrases “cretin” and “Bennie from Crossroads”.

29. Use Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s in-built waste-disposal mechanism on other bowls to prevent “fast-dried gribbly bit syndrome”.

30. Open drawer for teabag and mug.

31. Gentle remove Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat from drawer.

32. Wipe stray jellified chunk from tea mug.

33. Wipe stray jellified chunk from underarm, but not before using to gain spurious cupboard love from Grey Dwarf Cat.

34. Hold teabag in front of Overexcitable Retarded Ginger Cat’s face, asking, in increasingly frantic tones, “You want this? You want this? Huh?”.

35. Repeat every ten-twelve hours.

Extracted from Under The Paw: Confessions Of A Cat Man.

Read the sequel Talk To The Tail: Adventures In Cat Ownership And Beyond.