I Think I Can Safely Say This Is The Scariest Photo I've Taken Of One Of My Cats This Year

Cat Gets Caught Barking Like A Dog

From Narcissism To Mindless Violence And Back: A Photo Sequence, Starring Ralph And Shipley

Guest Cat Of The Month For June: Liam

Name
Liam

Nicknames
Hahm

Age
An august nine years

Owners
One Clyn. Graduate, scribbler, incapable of disciplining me.

Catchphrase?
I recently unleashed the full force of my ''MRAK'' bark. The reaction from the humans and next door's idiot dog made all those hours of practice totally worth it.

Favourite habits?
During a mouse infestation I realised that catching a rodent brought me extravagant praise. Now every so often I'll test the water by bringing a toy mouse over to a human, dropping it at their feet, and looking up expectantly.
Sometimes I'll deign to notice the fluffy new toy someone's bought for me and spend up to three minutes throwing it around, carrying it over to my food bowl and giving it a quiff by virtue of my vigorous washing. Then I'll bat it somewhere inaccessible and strut away. I am a complex being.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
First of all, I stare pointedly at the empty fireplace until one of the humans sets a fire. Then I'll stop abruptly in the midst of washing and stare fixedly at a spot on the wall indistinguishable from any other patch of wall in the room. If someone's reading a newspaper, I will slink over and pounce on their hand before they finish turning the page. If someone is on a laptop, I will stand on it and unleash my thoughts onto the interwebs. If someone is sitting where I wsh to sit, I will call on the powers of Thundera to concentrate all of my weight onto one small paw, and press it on their leg. In the frozen North, we make our own entertainment.

Favourite food?
Well, Iams is a reliable favourite, but you don't get to my age without taking care of yourself. I supplement my diet with green beans, peas, sweetcorn, expensive ice-cream, and cheese and onion crisps. Only the flavouring, mind you. I leave the soggy, misshapen former-crisp on the rug for the humans to deal with. Often Clyn will forget and stand on it. I live for these moments.

Defining moment of your life?
I was given a fluffy toy hedgehog to cuddle up to at night in case I missed my brother. Some time after this - far too soon, damn you - I made my first big trip to the vet to ensure I remained in a state of perpetual kittenhood. As the vet reached into the cat carrier, he grasped something small and furry. Yes, gentle reader, I had pushed my toy hedgehog towards him. Sadly, he was not fooled a second time.

Any enemies?
The gerbil used to taunt me by kicking his food over me while I slept, or sticking his tail out of his cage and wiggling his bottom in my direction, like a Frenchman. When he was allowed out to run around in his sphere the little pig would make a beeline for me, but I outlived him. And so perish all my enemies. Except that tomcat from the farm from down the road. Damn creature took a bit of my ear, what what. I soon sent him packing.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
Catflaps on every door. Humans are notoriously thick and require everything to be pointed out to them. It's not like there's much going on at 3am anyway, so I fail to grasp why they can't open the doors on my first request.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
Christopher Walken. The man has a certain feline grace. He is my spirit animal. Oh, or Morrissey. I heard Q magazine once asked him why he'd been away for so long, and he replied 'I have a very demanding cat.'

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
RALPH. RALPH RALPH RALPH.

Biography
I was born under a bad sign, left out in the cold. I'm a lonely m- wait, that's not it. Supposed runt of the litter, I proved myself proficient at climbing curtains at a very young age. I enjoy exploring, sleeping in a variety of interesting places, and laughing at lonely hearts adverts in the Guardian.

Cat Hugs Kitten Through Bad Dream

Best Website In The World

I know people are always calling things "the best website in the world" but this actually is:http://goatsonstuff.com/

Extra Celebrity Guest Cat Of The Month: Pickle, Owner Of Award Winning Stand Up Comedian Susan Calman

Name
Pickle

Nicknames
Pooksie, Pookie Bella, Pudding.

Age
8

Owners
Susan and Lee have overall responsibility for ensuring that my every whim is met. I tolerate them and often reward them for their efforts by allowing them to cuddle me for a brief moment before leaving. I always leave as much cat hair behind though as a reminder of my presence.

Catchphrase?
I don’t meow I chirrup. Therefore my most often uttered phrase is “now”.

Favourite habits?
Lying on my back in the middle of the kitchen floor inviting tummy tickles which are in fact an elaborate trap to allow me to bunny kick arms of baldies who come too close. I also enjoy lying on my back in the hall, bedroom and living room. Except when the heating is on and I lie lie a starfish over the pipes. I also sit in the wardrobe and claw at clothes. Never the cheap stuff though, I prefer to ruin as many expensive jackets and pairs of trousers as possible.

What constitutes a perfect evening for you?
Given that I am the youngest of 4 cats I enjoy the fact that whatever room I go into contains a buffet. A perfect evening for me would be to fall asleep face down in a bowl of food prior to staking out the kitchen where either more food will magically appear. After eating I might roll around on one of my mum’s coats, claw at the sofa or perhaps a mouse may arrive for an evening game of “chasing the mouse noisily around the house before leaving it beside the bed for my owner to find in the morning.”

Favourite food?
I have bad teeth and have had to have a few removed. Despite that I enjoy eating dried food most of all. Specifically the expensive prescription food that’s meant to be for my Uncle Oscar but I love more than anything. In truth I am probably the greediest cat of all time so will eat almost anything. Except the expensive prescription food my owners got for my dodgy teeth. I just left that.

Defining moment of your life?
Realising that I am the cutest cat in the world and can scratch furniture without punishment. All I need to do is turn to my owners and do my “Lady Di” impression and I am forgiven. In the same way I can lie on top of lap tops and chew cables without fear of reprisal. I can get away with anything.

Any enemies?
My Uncle Muppet is the alpha male of the house and regularly attempts to beat me up. I have to be on my guard against random punches. I get him back though by waiting till he’s asleep and sticking my claws in his substantial behind.

If you could do one thing to make the world a better place for felines, what would it be?
More people like my owners. Susan has been known to sit on the floor for the whole night instead of disturbing me when I’m on the sofa. That’s the bigger sofa they got to accommodate all the cats. I don’t think she minds though, since she got Uncle Muppet she hasn’t slept more than 4 hours a night in 11 years. She loves us so much.

If you could meet a celebrity who would it be and why?
My middle name is Kylie so I’d love to meet the woman herself. I think she would like me and we could dance together.

Which one of the cats in Under The Paw and Talk To The Tail would you like to be stuck in a lift with?
I’m quite shy so will probably just stay in my house. I think it’s best if I just stick to lying on my back a lot.

Biography
I was born on a farm in Scotland. The only girl out of a litter of 6 it was clear from an early age that I was a princess and so probably needed to live somewhere with central heating rather than live in a barn. I choose Susan because when she arrived at the farm she was as clearly revolted by the smell as I was. Unfortunately I smelt like the farm for a good 6 months until eventually I’d shed all my hair everywhere. I live with Auntie Idgy and Uncle Oscar (Lee’s cats) and Uncle Muppet (Susan’s other cat). I’ve know Lee for 8 years so I don’t think I’m considered a step kid anymore, well except when I’m sick in Lee’s handbag. I thought it was funny.



For more info about Susan, visit www.susancalman.com